That Which the Locust Has Eaten

~Part 1a—Seeing God through Gouda~

I am severely allergic to milk products. I also have several family members, friends and acquaintances who deal with dietary restrictions: dairy, corn, wheat, eggs, natural and artificial sweeteners, vitamin B, soy, bananas, gluten, peanuts, and cats (please note: cat allergy is only considered a dietary restriction in certain countries). Odd as it may sound to you, dear reader, I think food allergies offer a very accurate picture of my struggles—our struggles—on a larger scale.

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In all likelihood, my dairy allergy was present from infancy. While still a baby, the physician once remarked to my mother that my health problems might be related to her own milk intake; but the line of inquiry ended there. I find it strange to consider the idea that--if the doctor’s thought process had carried just a little farther--I might have spent the following 21 years very differently. Instead, I was perpetually ill. That which affects part of the body truly affects the whole body. In the same way, that which affects part of the Body truly affects the whole Body.

Someone once told me, “Technically, the human body is intolerant of everything. It’s just a matter of when and how the body will begin to forcefully reject something.” Wow. Think about that for a minute. We were not created for a fallen world; our bodies are completely incompatible with this place. War exists even at the cellular level. The corruption of humanity’s choice to sin touches absolutely everything. Entropy is not just a law of thermodynamics, it’s a biblical fact: without the intervention of God through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we are a closed system…with an increasing build-up of breakdowns.

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So, in reality, everything is bad for me. Moreover, I desire what is bad for me. According to my mother’s allergist, the body craves that to which it is allergic. For years, I consumed vast quantities of dairy; a glass of milk was more satisfying than water. And all the while I only caused myself greater harm. To my system, dairy is unusable, toxic. And my body wanted more and more of it. I slowly destroyed myself for 21 years.

The apostle Paul reminds us that we are always slaves of something—whether sin or righteousness (Romans 6). But until we taste the Goodness of enslavement to the Most High, can we realize the bitterness of our bondage to sin? I always felt ill, depressed, rundown. I did not know another way of life existed. Rather, I did not know it existed for me. I wished to be more like the animated people I met during those years. They looked so free… I had no idea that such a reality could be mine. Instead, I continued in my bondage: eating dairy, feeling sick and miserable, wishing in a passive, empty way for something better.

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By the spring of my junior year in college, vomiting five or six times each day was commonplace. I existed in a perpetual state of fatigue. I couldn’t focus; usually I lacked the mental clarity to make wise choices or to care when I made poor ones. Social activities were beyond my flagging strength. Good grades became a faraway dream. I knew something was very wrong…but that did not help, since I couldn’t figure out the source of my problem.

Halfway through the semester I finally consulted a local physician. He listened to my symptoms and did some blood work. “It’s stress,” he told me. “Here, take a pill.” Of course, medicine designed to prevent vomiting did not fix my problems. It intensified them. Now my body had one less method for releasing the toxic substances it insisted it wanted.

Doesn’t the Lord do this to us sometimes? Although the Lord is gently telling us otherwise, we insist that a behavior or object or activity or person or attitude is essential to our well-being. And just as He did with the nation of Israel time after time—just as He does with all of humanity—our loving Heavenly Father gives us what we believe we need. He hands up over to our sins. He lets us gorge ourselves upon them until we are sick.

In other instances, the Lord uses this same method to open our eyes because we were not previously aware of our misplaced dependence. Through repetition He gradually draws us into the realization that a certain behavior, object, activity, person, or attitude is making us sick. Perhaps we’ve even been looking for the source of our illness. Searching with blind eyes reveals nothing. The Lord allows us to continue gorging just long enough for Him to remove the scales from our eyes.

I looked for a possible allergy connection for many months. Knowing my mother has a wide array of allergies and food-related health issues, I began searching for a common food link. But I could not find one! (Dear reader, do you know how common milk products are in the food we eat? They’re everywhere!) In my blindness, I could not see the common link. It did not seem to matter how much I ate, or what my meal consisted of…or if I ate at all. I was sick regardless. My body was so contaminated by unusable milk that I could not use sickness as a method for pinpointing a source.

By the Lord’s grace and protection, I made it through the end of my junior year in college. That is not to say I survived well: the sickness and fatigue continued to grow worse; I knew I would soon receive a friendly, official letter inviting me to sit out following semester. But I survived. “Now what?” was the hopeless question filling my mind.

Not long into summer vacation, I went home to visit with family. My younger sister and I ended my weekend visit in our traditional way: after church, we borrowed Mom’s car and spent a few hours together. Not eating had long since become a game I played with myself. (If I was going to feel sick regardless, I might as well feel sick in a manner of my own choosing.) So the first thing I ate that particular Sunday was a small Dairy Queen blizzard. Later, we snuck chocolate-covered blueberries into the movie theatre. And shortly after we reached the bookstore that afternoon, I became so ill that I doubted my ability to safely drive us both home. (I doubted my ability to even walk out of the public restroom.)

Realization finally dawned. The scales were removed, and I could see the self-inflicted cause of my sickness.

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Remember that earlier point about the body craving anything it cannot process? When that intake is cut off, the result is a mild form of delirium tremens. I cut myself off from dairy. For days, my body threw a tantrum. It wanted dairy NOW! Never before had I needed a piece of cheese, a slice of bread, a chocolate candy bar so desperately. I have the privilege of repeating this experience every time I ingest milk in any form. If I fail to read the ingredients on a package of chips, or a bottle of seasoning…if I fail to ask a server or neighbor enough questions about ingredients and preparation…I often pay for it dearly. The effects begin within two hours and last for up to one month. And even though I am miserable during that month, my cravings for dairy are strong. Like Paul, there are many times when “I don’t understand my own behavior—I don’t do what I want to do; instead, I do the very thing I hate!” (Rom. 7:15).

Even if I haven’t made a mistake, even when I am careful, there are moments when I am sorely tempted to eat something I shouldn’t. The warm smell of fresh bread…the fragrance or sight of chocolate…the remembered flavor of alfredo sauce…sometimes only the severity of the long-term effects protect me from my short-term weakness. Thank God for being generous enough to give us negative consequences!

Someone once told me, “Purity is not a line—it is a direction.” The same can be said of withdrawal. I will always be in a process of withdrawing from dairy. In this life I will not reach a line that indicates I am fully freed from temptation or desire. Withdrawal is not a line—it is a direction, a never-ending process.

That which is true of a dairy allergy is true of sin. I will always be walking away. I will not reach the finish line indicative of Freedom until my Lord calls me home. And there will continue to be moments of failure. This is a fight. Choices, opportunities, temptations constantly bombard me. I will always be in the process of withdrawing from myself, and from this world. In a very real sense, Withdrawal is the retrospective face of Purity: they are two sides of the same coin. I am called to walk away from myself and toward my Lord.

My dear reader, let’s keep walking into Freedom together!