That Which the Locust Has Eaten

~ Part 1b—In A Red-Tinted Mirror~

Admitting we struggle, acknowledging we’re far from perfect—it’s tough. And once we have acknowledged something painful…then what? Where do we go from there? How do we move into Freedom?

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My Lord is gracious enough to lead me forward. And Purity looks ahead with anticipation. But Withdrawal gazes backward in horror: as I walk away from myself, the increased distance affords a clearer view of my struggles. What have I done! Withdrawal sobs. Look at those I have hurt! Look at the sins I’ve committed! Look at how wretched I have been—how wretched I am even now!

It is not wrong to mourn my failings. A heart tender to the Lord will inevitably find reason to do so. But as Withdrawal begins to acknowledge the stark reality of my fallen state, heartbreak can bring her to a stand-still—making her an easy target for condemnation and fear: What right have I to hope for better things? I merit no favors or reward. How could I possibly change? This is my identity. All forward motion ceases. And as Withdrawal warps under attack, Purity warps as well: I am nothing but a burden and a stumbling block. Why bother trying? I am beyond all hope of healing. I deserve the full measure of punishment…and I will ensure that I receive it!

Has your heart ever cried out with such words, dear reader? Mine certainly has. Realization of my failings can so easily make me falter.

When Withdrawal and Purity are beset by condemnation and fear, I become my own judge. When confronted with my impurity, I cry out. “Woe to me! I [too] am doomed!” (Isaiah 6:5). But I proclaim it as a death sentence, with authority that is not mine to claim. I echo Job’s confession, that “I detest [myself] and repent in dust and ashes” (42:6) with a bitter tone of self-loathing that is not shared by my Creator and Savior. Even Paul’s declaration that I should “treat my body hard and make it my slave so that…I will not be disqualified” (1Cor. 9:27) can be twisted into a justification for self-abuse.

Has your mind ever responded in such a way? I forget that I lack the power and authority to be my own judge. Moreover, I forget that I am redeemed; I forget that I am part of the Bride. I forget that I am loved.

My dear reader, do you know that you are loved? Do you know it—not merely with your intellect, but with your soul?

You see, there is one fact that I deliberately failed to mention: Withdrawal and Purity are both blind. Blind? They are blind? Then how can they see what’s behind and ahead? How is this grief and anguish even possible?

Withdrawal and Purity each carry a mirror. Only in this reflective window can they behold anything. But the mirror’s surface is dimmed: each one bears a fresh, permanent layer of blood. Through this protective film, Withdrawal beholds a portion of what lies behind. Only a portion. Purity catches glimpses of what waits ahead. Only glimpses. And all the while, Withdrawal and Purity are being led along “a road they don’t know” by the One Who Loves Best, who turns “darkness to light before them, and straighten[s] their twisted paths” (Isaiah 42:16).

Sometimes, in the walk toward freedom, Withdrawal and Purity become so absorbed in the fractional sight given them that they forget the means by which their blindness is alleviated. And the One who gave them the mirrors allows them to forget…so that He can remind them.

The Most High God sent his Son to bear my guilt as a pure and willing sacrifice. Surely I have no right to doubt that the One who purchased my freedom already knows my guilt in its ugly entirety. And He loves me. With full knowledge of my shame, the Lord chooses to love me. He calls me to walk in freedom; he protects me from seeing all of my failures at once.

As I strive to move forward in Withdrawal and Purity, under the sacrificial blood of Jesus Christ, the One who holds all Authority has passed this judgment over me: “You are righteous! And you are mine!”

• I Am Loved. He calls me to walk toward himself; and within my blindness he gives limited vision of what he is calling me out of.

• I am Protected. Even as he permits me to see specific areas of weakness, I see them through the red-tinted mirror of grace.

Our Judge has declared us righteous. Who are we to say different? My dear reader: You Are Loved! Deeply. Totally. Unswervingly. By the One who is entitled to love you least yet chooses to love you best and guard you always! Cling to that unalterable Truth when you are tempted to pass judgment on yourself.

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As we move beyond the introduction and begin exploring my testimony together, I am praying for you. I am praying difficult things: that the Holy Spirit would speak through these words; that your eyes would be opened; that your mind and heart would be challenged, changed, and healed; This will, of course, involve spiritual attack. I am praying that the Lord will protect you against any assaults seeking to overwhelm you; and I utter that request with an attitude of worship and praise, because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He has, is, and will continue protecting you! I pray that you will be encouraged. I wish I could be sitting beside you as you read this, and give you a hug. But again, I type those words with worship in my heart: the One we serve, the One we seek, holds you securely—closer than a friend and sister ever could. His embrace surrounds you during joy and despair. I pray that you will come to understand His love.