~The Emporer’s Old Clothes—Part C~
So there I stood: rebelliously freed from my old garment with no replacement garments in sight.
My dear reader, hopefully you are seeking the Lord faithfully enough that He has confronted you with the Truth about some area of your life. If so, I’m sure you can relate to my dilemma in that moment of Truth: realization brought the strong temptation to panic. Instead of waiting quietly before the One who obviously had everything under control, the One who had revealed this lie to me in the first place—instead of asking, “Lord, now that you’ve shown me the Truth, what should I do about this garment? How do you want to fix my problem?”—instead of keeping my eyes and mind focused upon Him, I gave in to the frantic wish to be free of my robe immediately. I had not waited for the Lord, had not sought His solution.
Because of my own haste, I was naked. Completely exposed.
The Lord’s second “knot jerking” session—a far more extensive operation than bringing me to salvation—was under way.
I did not possess the capability of creating my own ideal. I had no concept of how to look like, act like, or dress like “Me.” I discovered that I did not know how to have an opinion; in fact, I did not really know how to think for myself. But I had long believed that I should not ask for help—I would only be a burden, an annoyance. So I could not reason or develop my own thoughts…but would not make any requests of classmates or professors to teach me how. Clearly, this was a recipe for disaster. And because of my own panic, I was still emotionally naked: I had no identity.
So, did I cry out to the Lord, admitting my inability to handle the situation? No. As I mentioned before, I had long believed that I should not burden another with my problems or apparent failure to measure up. Jesus, my Savior and Lord, was not exempt from my prideful fear of being a bother. How arrogant and blind can my human heart possibly be?
* * *
“Here is my servant, whom I support, my chosen one, in whom I take pleasure. I have put my Spirit upon him; he will bring justice to the Goyim. He will not...snap off a broken reed or snuff out a smoldering wick....Thus says God, Adonai, who...gives breath to the people on [the earth] and spirit to those who walk on it: 'I, Adonai, call you[, my servant,] righteously, I took hold of you by the hand, I shaped you and made you a covenant for the people, to be a light for the [gentiles], so that you can open blind eyes, free the prisoners from confinement, those living in darkness from the dungeon. I am Adonai; that is my name; I yield my glory to no one else….The blind I will lead on a road they don't know, on roads they don't know I will lead them; I will turn darkness to light before them, and straighten their twisted paths. These are things I will do without fail....Listen, you deaf! Look, you blind!—So that you will see! Who is as blind as my servant, or as deaf as the messenger I send? Who is as blind as the one I rewarded, as blind as the servant of Adonai?’
“You see much but don’t pay attention; you open your ears, but you don’t listen. Adonai was pleased, for his righteousness’ sake, to make the Torah great and glorious. But this is a people pillaged and plundered, all trapped in holes and sequestered in prisons. They are there to be plundered, with no one to rescue them; there to be pillaged, and no one says, ‘Return them!’…But now this is what Adonai says, he who created you…he who formed you…‘Don’t be afraid, for I have redeemed you; I am calling you by your name; you are mine. When you pass through water, I will be with you; when you pass through rivers, they will not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire, you will not be scorched—the flame will not burn you….Bring my sons from far away, and my daughters from the ends of the earth, everyone who bears my name, whom I created for my glory—I formed him, yes, I made him.’
“Bring forward the people who are blind but have eyes, also the deaf who have ears."
~Isaiah 42-43:8~
I love the ninth chapter of John. In the first seven verses alone, the Lord provides such a wealth of reasons to praise Him! Like the blind beggar, Jesus chooses us out for healing--without our asking, and often without our even realizing the need or possibility of healing exists. He blinds us in order to give us sight. And He orders us to move: calling us to participate, to "own" our new growth and freedom. I don't know about you, but I regularly find myself feeling very, very spoiled by how generous the righteous, pure, holy Most High God is with His time and resources--toward me! I am chosen… redeemed… protected… loved. Even when I do not acknowledge my own need for His attention and healing.
In the midst of my nakedness, my blind panic and deaf rebellion, Jesus chose me. He blinded me. He called me to move forward in faith. And as I did so, He began to give me sight.
[final version of Part C--begun in 2009. Part D will follow soon!]
376 comments:
1 – 200 of 376 Newer› Newest»Umm... Jj, I beleive the first section is talking about how the Isrealites aren't obeying. Not that they are following God.
That's true. But over and through that, the Lord is highlighting the character and role of Jesus--His servant, our Savior--who reconciles the straying hearts of all humanity.
John 9:39-41
Those are my thoughts. What are yours? ^_^
I just meant by your comments about the blind seeing and the deaf being able to hear: Like... You said that the deaf are the ones who really hear and the blind are the ones who really see. (You've said before.) But in this passage the deaf really are deaf to God's word. It's not a good thing (for them).
Yes, their eyes are blind and their ears deaf. In this particular instance, though, I'm not really focused on the deaf and blind; I'm hoping to focus on the One who brings about His own glory through, and in spite of, that blindness and deafness.
Does that make any sense? Am I still missing your point? If so, I apologize: I want to understand. <3 Jj
Yeah it does. And if you were missing my point it's because I'm referring to a different instance and not what you wrote here. It's okay Jj. :)
Okay. ^_^
Thank you again for wanting to clarify.
The other night, I got together with someone I know only through a strange, distant trail of connections. We had met twice before, and this third meeting was a specific request from the other person--who said she needed to share some news with someone. On the heels of a painful break-up, a grandfather's death, the failing health of a grandmother, and her own dilemma regarding future career, my acquaintance was recently informed by her parents that divorce is coming. :/
I didn't mind her sharing this painful experience with me, I didn't mind encouraging her and praying with her. But I returned home very tired. I feel utterly helpless and useless sometimes. Time and time again--sometimes, as in this case, through very roundabout means--the Lord places me in the path of people facing family crisis. Sometimes the ugliness is already evident; at other times, the dysfunction within a friend's family does not reach a critical point until a brief while into my involvement. Not by any means to I intend to arrogantly imply that I am capable of bringing about family distress, or that I am of great importance in the matter. But still, I find myself coming alongside acquaintances, friends, sisters...and I feel utterly useless. Aside from pointing these beautiful people back to the Lord, I don't know what I could or should be doing to help. Sometimes the melancholy hits, mingles with my own memories, begins conversing with my insecurities, and I end up a tired, (seemingly) helpless mess.
Please pray for me, my friend.
My Dear Friend,
Yesterday I stood looking into the casket of boy who was taken from this life unfairly and by the world’s standards, even cruelly. 800 people were projected to be at his funeral today, let alone the viewing I attended. So many with so much hurt… To think that after my friend’s crash he was up and walking around outside of his car, only to flat-line on a hospital gurney an hour later seems surreal. A seatbelt was all it would have taken to save his life. At the front of the church, while it was still early before the viewing, his mother turned to me and embraced me in a hug. With tears running down her face all she wanted was to be held. So for what seemed like hours I held her and rocked her back and forth. I had no words to give her. She had just out-lived her son; there was nothing I could do for her. There was nothing anyone could do for their family. Prayer was the only thing she could ask for. She said she could feel the prayers. So what could I do? I could hold her and pray. The hug that seemed an eternity to me only lasted a couple minutes, but I wonder how long it felt to her?
My friend, sometimes all we can do is embrace them and pray. Things like hugs that normally feel like a quick casual greeting to some, can feel like 30 minutes in safety to those who are hurting. Prayers that go out in several minutes, can feel like sermon of peace to those receiving them. The worse the situation is my friend, the less you can do, but the more you can help. You may be able to do less to mend certain problems or make them all go away, but the more you make what you do to be worth gold. A hug to a happy person will smile and forget it 5 minutes from the time it was given. A hurting person will embrace it and relive it for days. The amount you can do does not determine your worth; it’s whether you do the amount you can. What something is worth to you, may not be worth the same amount to the person who has just lost the love of their life; it’s worth more. So do not judge what you are doing by your own feelings, because you are not someone else. You do what you can, just like I did what I could. It’s God’s job to take care of the rest.
I watched a very sick little girl write a valentine’s note to her big sister tonight. Stretched out on the couch with a red pen and piece of paper she very carefully started writing. She told me she was scared there wouldn’t be enough room to write all that she wanted to say to her sister. I reassured her that it would be okay and that she should save some words for another time. She started writing about what a gift her sister was to her and that it was the greatest thing that ever happened to her. She said that was her most valuable possession, apart from her salvation and King. I watched her write about how much she wanted to be just like her big sister when she grew up and how cool she was. She wrote about how her big sister changed her life and her ability to love and forgive all together, because her big sister knew to follow God, even if she didn’t feel like she was doing anything at times or always doing the right thing. She set the example for her little sister so that she would also follow God and he could transform her entire body and mind into something new. With a grin spread across her throbbing head she continued to write. She thanked God for her sister’s hands that embrace her. God knows what this means to me she said looking up from the paper. When I’m with my sisters I feel safe and when they hug me I have a fortified city surrounding me. God knows she said, because he made it that way. He knew that all I would need and all I would want was to feel safe and loved. So, he gave me sister’s with hands of gold. He transformed them into guardians and gave them the power to make little things, like hugs, head pats, and even just their presence, to make a little girl feel safe. The girl grinned even bigger with tears starting to well-up inside. They would deny it all, she said. They are humble, just like Jesus, she said. But they’re wrong. They are angels to me, because God has enabled them to be. It isn’t their power that turns hugs into heavy shields of protection, but it’s God’s power, because they’ve allowed it to work through them. The girl coughed a bit and sat up beaming with pride. She scribbled some more. The greatest thing someone has ever done for me, was protect me and never leave me. No one has helped me like my sister. Leaning back against the couch she stared at the note in her hand. She wanted to cry as love welled up. How could she tell her sister all that she had done for her? How could she repay a sister so great? Slipping a piece of yarn around the rolled up note she laid it down and then herself as she gave in to her body’s sickness. ~ I was touched at the amount of love this girl had for her older sister. She must be quite someone. But not only was I touched at the love she had for her, I was touched at the kind. She did not love her sister so deeply because of her sister or what she would do for her, she loved her sister so deeply because God gave her that love. It was not a idealistic or a selfish love, but a godly love, because a sister decided just to simply be godly herself and point back to the King.
I am praying for you Jj. I can say that because I already have and I am. Just remember my friend, it’s not what you do that matters. It’s what God does with what you do. It does matter how big or how small the act; God is not short on power to be able to transform anything into whatever he wants it to be. Rest in his arms Jj. He turns the night into day and turns hugs into protective barriers. He alone helps the helpless. We cannot. Do not give up my friend. You are worth a high price, not only to the King of Kings, but to so many others. <3
-_- Imoutochan, "please pray for me" does not secretly mean "please keep youself awake until midnight writing beatiful comments that make me cry."
All the same, thank you very much, dear heart. The Holy Spirit comforted my mind and heart through you words. *-* I'm praying for you, and for that sweet little girl you talked about. I'm sure her sister feels very blessed. I count your friendship a blessing in much the same way. ^_^
I didn't get home until 10:30 Jj. And I felt urged to write. I try not to disobey those urgings. :P
Love you friend. :)
Okay, then I won't get on your case about it.
And like I said, thank you very much. *-*
I'm praying for you. How are you doing today?
Sounds good. ^_^
Somewhere, I'd be interested in learning if there's anything specific in your near future that you're looking forward to.
After a powerful sermon today the last thing the pastor said after the closing prayer was: God restores that which the locust has eaten. His words exactly. I thought of you. :)
Why? Am I missing something?
I'm looking forward to spending the day tomorrow with friends and sisters. I'm looking forward to getting to be in a play. *shrugs* Is there a magic answer to this? How near are we talking about? Next few days, weeks, or months?
No, nothing magical--no tricks or correct answers. I was merely curious. ^_^
Wow, it's really cool that those would be what God impressed upon your pastor to say. ^_^ What was the seron about? And how does it relate to what the Lord is teaching you right now?
The sermon was about being Godly. (Do you spell Godly: godly or Godly? Because it's not talking about God directly...) He hit a lot on how there are people who are saved that aren't Godly and that God talks to those who are. And that we should trust God to change us and help us. There was one point I didn't exactly agree with completely: He said that Godly people have to pray a lot. =/ I can show you my notes sometime.
What he's talking on tonight is about persistancy in prayer as well and prayer was the topic of the last sunday night's service.
I don't think that just because I struggly with prayer that, that means I'm not righteous or godly. I don't know... I think there's more to it than that. God's helping me in that area.
"godly" is all lower-case ^_^
Yes, I think I'd want to see notes of what he said to ensure I understand his intended meaning; there are multiple factors to what I consider to be "godly." As for struggling with prayer, Imoutochan: you're trying, correct? Then God knows that. ^_^ So don't become anxious.
Sigh.. okay.
^_^ Sounds to me like you're growing in a great many ways. God is so good! And I'm proud of you.
Outdoors, the muted staccato of falling snow awaits me. Indoors, a fierce battle rages: feline versus grocery bag. Friends' sleeping sighs form a soothing undertone to the happy rustling.
Outdoors, the muted staccato of falling snow awaits me. Perhaps I will let it wait a little while more...
At one point, I was asked if yesterday would prove taxing or stressful. In some small ways, it was a difficult day: I had to surrender my disgruntled attitude to the Lord yet again (in part due to some details relating to my father). But it was also a day of beautiful gifts from my Lord and Lover. *-*
Hehehe... you're cute. *-*
Man... Jj... >.<
Is something wrong, Imoutochan?
I want to go to the hospital and get an IV drip of hydromorphone and a neck brace and a lot ace wrap for my chest and a hot pack and an ice pack and a tranquilizer. That's about it.
:/ Oh. Well, that sounds like quite enough for one evening.
*long distance hug* Im sorry, my friend. I'm praying for you. Did something specific happen?
Umm... not besides my neck getting very steadily worse and now hurts so bad it's the cause of my migraine and Mr. Piggy isn't even fluffy enough to ease it. =/ My chest just hurts because it decided to. :P 9_9
I'm sorry to hear that. How about your mind and your heart? Are they at peace? (Jesus is fluffy, even when stuffed animals aren't.) ^_~
Well.. my heart is palpatating and my mind is frazzled. My figurative heart is tired, but kinda fuzzy at the same time. I don't know really know what I am right now. One of my sisters helped me some with an email. I would love to hear your thoughts on it sometime, because you always help too. But maybe tonight might not have the time for all that, huh?
Jesus brings strength and rest, Imoutchan--not shame or andxiety. Never shame or anxiety. <3 Jj
I'll think on it.
Okay... okay... *breaths in* Thanks Jj.
How are you? O.o ........
I'm doing well. ^_^ I've had rare opportunities both yesterday and today to spend time with those I love. It's been such a delight. *-*
On top of that, I thoroughly enjoyed my job this morning; and unexpectedly received a few hours of work at my other job this evening. Tomorrow might be a long work day...which will have both benefits and drawbacks. ^_^ God is so faithful and generous, Imoutochan.
I'm glad. :)
So much pain Jj... everywhere... >.< *wimpers*
We serve a very powerful, holy, yet loving God, my friend. And He gives the very best gifts. *-* I'm thoroughly spoiled. Hopefully there are areas in which you can say that, too. ^_^ <3 Jj
I'm sorry you hurt, dear heart. You should go try to sleep. No caffeine, no video games, no lit computer screens...just the protective, warm embrace of Jesus.
I am. I'm on my back and have a blanket rolled up under my neck. It's not helping. ... heeeyy... -.- fevers make me itchy... *whiny voice*
I think Jj, I think that tonight is bad becayse im fuzzy and i havent been fuzzy for a while. I think so, because im hot too and i hurt, so i think im going to be more fuzzy. I havent been to the doctors in a week so i need to go too.
I dont like thinking fuzzy can you make it go away?
Okay, i should go to bed all thw way now like you told me to. that way you will go to bed too because you will not talk to me anymore. and i wont be fuzzy when i wake up.
I love you too, dear heart. Sleep well. <3 Jj
I was at school for an hour before I came home. :( *sniff sniff* I'm missing play practice and everything.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm praying for you. Hopefully things will be better tomorrow.
While I can only pray for your physical well-being, feel free to share what's on your mind. ^_^
Why can you only pray for my physical well being? Did your day go okay Jj? I'm sorry your hand hurts. :'( ...I'm just wondering things in my mind, that's all. Just wondering if I did the right thing or if I'm supposed to be where I'm at. I'm wondering if I'm wanted. Just... stuff I guess...
Sorry, I phrased that poorly: I meant that prayer is all I can contribute toward the improvement of your physical problems. ^_^ But I am always happy to pray about other areas as well.
My Day in Retrospect: A Facebook Status
*Zombie Face* *copious amounts of drooling and groaning*
Mmm...brainzzz... nom-nom-nom-nom-nom
*more slack-jawed drooling* Mmm...brainzzz no working...
Mmm...chocolate cake... nom-nom-nom-nom-nom
*burp* *faint gleam of lost humanity begins to return*
Imoutochan, when you look at your past--distant or recent--do you see Good that the Lord has brought about?
I see a lot of hurt and pain that I have cause people that I love dearly and wonder if I should still be around them. Or if I did the right thing by staying in the first place.
Imoutochan, we serve a God who personifies healing. You know that He is capable of healing you. But you also need to trust that He is fully capable of healing those whom you have wounded and those you may wound in the future.
Hurting others is part of realationship, dear heart. In this world we will never manage to avoid it altogether if we're striving to be a Body. But in that striving and hurting, we also portray Christ to each other through forgiveness, and grow closer in the Lord's healing, redemptive love.
^_^ In one respect, you might not hurt those you love if you were to separate yourself from them. But in another respect, removing yourself would leave a hole--a very painful one--and deprive those you love of the special opportunity to learn and grow and heal through sharing the journey with you.
It wouldn't take long to get over it, now. If I had left while they were mad and upset with me it wouldn't have hurt at all.
Can you explain what you mean, please? (I think I understand, and I disagree; but I want to make absolutely certain that I understand...so that I can disagree fully. ^_~)
The people that I hurt were mad and upset with me. At the time if I had "left" and become just another distant figure, it wouldn't have hurt at all. At the time I doubted these people even cared about my existance, so it's not a stretch now to say that maybe they cared if I existed, but not if I was around. Since I stayed I was grafted back in, but at the time, I don't think anyone cared whether I stayed or went. And maybe it would have been better if I had left. I don't know.
I also don't think it would be hard for anyone to get over it if I left. At least, not for a very long time anyway.
...If this is the Truth, does it make you happy? Does it bring relief and freedom?
Sometimes the truth hurts.
Imoutochan. Seriously. I'm asking for *your* answer: the notion that those you love would care little or not at all if you had previously, or would now, disappear--does this thought, this "truth," speak Peace to your spirit?
No.
*frustrated crying* My wire just came out of the bracket. Gah! Now it's pushing against my back bracket and maybe my tooth hurt and when they go to fix it I'll be squirming and writhing in pain. And I can't think to do this paper because I can't remember what all the acrostic means. And I haven't been able to think all day! I asked the teacher if she wasn't there on Monday, thinking we had school and she just didn't get our lesson plan. I've had a migrain all day and a fever. I've been shaking and I don't know why and dizzy and my heart has been palpatating. *plumps down and burries head and sobs* I'm stressed. I'm never going to get my work done. I'm more sleep deprived than normal. I'm anxious. I'm concerned about people I love because they don't feel good and I'm worried about trying to make them feel better. I want to throw up. I'm getting attacked and I'm confused and I don't know what's right and what's not right now. I just... I wanna die Jj. I'm sick of it all.
That's what I thought. ^_^ It's okay, dear heart: that's not actually the Truth.
The people you love: I'm trusting that these are individuals whose intellect and thirst for God are evident. If these people are striving to become more like the Lord, and you know they care about you, then I can practically guarantee you that your loved ones do not have such a pale, shallow, harsh "love" for you. Such a "love" that would enable them to forget you...to find your removal a relief...Imoutochan, you know that's not love. Does that callousness seem like an accurate representation of your friends? If so, please find new ones. If not, then I think you should trust them. If these friends demostrate love through their *actions* as well as their words, trust them. ^_^ Have these friends professed forgiveness for past misunderstandings? Then trust them. If they continue to seek you out, to include you in their lives through various avenues, then trust them. If they encourage and exhort you to drink deeply of the Water that heals and nourishes, then, by all means, trust them! ^_^
If there is some point of past hurts--even if if has been forgiven--that worries you, please, please, discuss your concern with these friends in person. Until you can discuss it with them, try not to fret: this will only lead to self-pity and the bondage of unnecessary guilt. If your friends claim to have forgiven you, let that be the Truth until such a time as you can confirm that Truth with them. If you have good friends, I'm sure they would be delighted to pray for you. What you're facing right now, Imoutochan, is a lie--an attack. Trust your friends. More importantly, trust your Friend, dear heart. ^_^
I'm praying for your heart right now, my dear friend. <3 Jj
*long distance hug* Hang in there, Imoutochan. Just hang in there. Hold on to the One who loves you best and protects you always. Take a ten-minute break and listen to some worship music; focus on the Lord: He brings Peace, not Confusion. It's okay, Imoutochan. Just hang in there. Keep pressing in. Even if your heart and mind are troubled, take some time to worship the Lord for all He IS.
But you can hurt friends to the point where they don't want to be your friend anymore.
Guilt maybe, but definitely not self-pity in this case.
^_^ Yes, that is true. And I'm betting--actually, unless your friends are more than human, I'm positive--that your friends have been hurt by you, and hurt you in turn. Now, as human beings, we will never manage to avoid hurting another; and sometimes, for the sake of those we love, one friend might ask another friend to give the gift of a little distance for a period of time. Sometimes a break is necessary for people to sort out their flawed human responses to events and actions. But your friends have reconciled with you right? (If I'm understanding correctly.) Then you have nothing to fear, my friend. If you're uneasy, just ask for clarification the next time you are with your friends, okay? But reading between the lines, I'm confident that your friends love you and have no desire to be "freed" from friendship with you. Do you want to give into shame and fear, and deprive those who love you of the blessing of spending time with you? Will that really help anyone, dear heart? Don't go "borrowing trouble" from the enemy. Do not give in to this attack. Trust your friends; and trust the Most High God who loves and protects and calls and heals you. <3
But if your friends need a little time away from you, then a lot of time away from you would be even better for them.
That's not your decision to make, Imoutochan. Have these friends requested your continued abscence? Or do they profess and demostrate that your presence is welcome?
I can't make up your mind for you; but I will not help you borrow trouble and grief that are completely unnecessary, dear heart. ^_^ I like you too much for that!
They never exactly asked me to come back either.
^_^ But did they come back to you?
In that case, perhaps the issue needing to be dealt with was in themselves. Which reinforces my point: your friends have reconciled with you because they value you and want the friendship to continue. ^_^
I LOVE YOU JJ!!! :D Have a good evening or at least try. I'll be thinking about you! :)
Well, thank you, Imoutochan. *-* I'm praying for your afternoon and evening as well. <3 Jj
Well, my evening certainly did not turn out as I'd expected. But there benefits to returning from work early. (Hot cocoa, for example. ^_~)
...should I be worried?
^_^ Nope. I just get to trust God all the more for losing a couple of paid hours. And I get to sit on the couch with a warm kitty on my tummy.
How are you doing today, Imoutochan?
I want a warm kitty on my tummy. :(
I got lots of booboos! I can barely walk and I can't bend over. My one knee is swollen where I have the best skinless spot of the season and the other one swollen where it is bruised really really bad above my knee and on top of the little skin I lost on that one. My elbow is bruised up bad. But! That's not the best part. I did this major straight down floor slam onto my hands and arms. I am extremely lucky I didn't break both my arms. Someone was looking out for me. :) They had to pull me out, I was crying and hyperventalating a little. I hit so hard it took skin off (and I didn't slide). It burned so bad. So, then I had a rash on my palms and up my arms and I couldn't move my hands. Finally half to almost a full quarter later they put me back in and I played through it, still shaking. :P I had to drive to college afterwards (even though I could barely move my parents made me go anyway and make an appearance at this party they had for the accepted freshmen) and I had to drive with only a couple fingers my hands still burned. Now they burn just a little and hurt extremely bad(except for the shower just now O.O with all my skin missing I about died and burned to death). So, I just spent the last 2 hours sitting with a friend and we got free water bottles then I left. I'm exhausted from no sleep and in pain. That about sums me up. I haven't been in this much pain all year.
:( I'm praying for you. And good job!
Hey, what happens when bone is pushing on the skin and the skin stays white like theres no blood under it? Does anything happen to the skin after a while?
Well, tissue dies when deprived of blood for too long. So, in general I would say that bone pushing so tightly against skin sounds like a bad idea. As to the more specific result, I dunno. :/
Hmm... okay.
How are you doing this morning? O.o
I feel horrid. O.o And I have lots of homework I have to try to do today. O.O
I'm sorry to hear that. Hang in there, dear heart.
"In you, Adonai, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
In your righteousness, rescue me;
and hel me to escape.
Turn your ear toward me,
and deliver me.
Be for me a sheltering rock,
where I can always come.
You have determined to save me,
because you are my bedrock and stronghold."
~Psalm 71:1-3
Just keep pressing in, dear heart. Difficult and painful as it is, remember that the One who loves you best and protects you always in walking before you. <3 Hang in there, my friend. Jj
Thanks Jj.
^_^ I'm doing all right. Today, I'm striving to rest before the Lord. He's called me to do a lot of heavy praying of late; we'll see if today continues that trend.
Do you know what for?
^_^ For various people--most of whom I'm very close to.
Waaaaah! I'm scared! :(
O.o Why would you be scared?
Cause lots of prayer means bad things will happen before long. :(
Like last time... :'(
No, no that's not true. Besides, at least one of the people, over whom I've found myself on my face, is someone I've never met.
Still...
Imoutochan, I'm trusting the Lord with those He's called me to pray for. These are people whom the Most High God is preparing. So what is there to fear? ^_^
God hurts sometimes. And last time he had someone praying for a long time it ended up and proved very very painful.
^_^ But my dear friend, has no great Good come out of that shaking?
I think I must need reminded, honestly... I can't think of anything specific off the top of my head. =/
Well, whenever that shaking took place, look at the person you were then...and the person you are now. What you knew, compared to what you know; what you thought, compared to what you think. What/how you loved, compared to what/how you love now.
^_^ Ask the Lord about it. He'll begin to show you--perhaps quickly, perhaps slowly--what Good work He was doing in that pain.
Of coarse... I can't really think that well in general right now.. =/
I was commenting to my friend last night everything that I am looking forward to in college. It's like releif and happiness like I used to have has a date. :P Sigh... I hate this house for so many reasons.
Also, Jesus will begin to show you how He was proteting and comforting you by those He placed around you before, during, and beyond that shaking. ^_^ Sometimes He will bring someone to speak into a life for a brief season...and then at other times He enables that person to remain for the long haul. but regardless of how He hasorchestrated these movements in your past, I guarantee you that it was Perfect. He does not dole out second-rate preparations, dear heart. <3 Jj
^_^ There's absolutely nothing wrong with telling the Lord, "You know this place is not where I want to be. You know this sitution is dificult, frightening, painful, demeaning, etc." There's nothing wrong with telling Him those feelings, Imoutochan. We just ahve to ake sure that we also say, "But I will stay here as long as you want me to. And please, help me to learn and do everything you intend for me to learn and do here. Teach me to serve you well in this time/place."
I'm praying for you, dear heart. Hang in there! Keep pressing in. <3 Jj
I do. Sometimes I get scared I won't get all He's trying to teach me though and I'll be "in this time and place" forever. :( I can't stay here forever! :'( He needs to just make it so that I do get it all no matter what, so that I can move on. And for the other people to "get it" too. =/ I can patiently wait for 7 more months and be devoted to what he wants me to, but if it's longer than that He is going to have to supply a whole lot of strength. O.o It would be so nice if we would lose our free-will and minds altogether to Him. It's not a matter of "Do I want to submit? or Do I want to do His will." So, it's hard when my mind just doesn't flow with that. Why can't He just make it behave? Sigh...
^_^ Don't be anxious, Imoutochan--not about the timing or about your "getting it." All you need to do is remain surrendered and keep pressing in.
And as to our free will, our fight to surrender and glorify the Lord in each moment...that, my dear, is the painful privilege of humankind. Just this morning as I sat in church, the Lord "walked me down a path" (much as He did with a completely separate situation a year ago). With this "glimpse" came, as always, came with the question "Will you walk this with me, dear one?" But surrounding the path, infusing the question, was another constant: that protective Peace. The perfume of my Lord and Lover. I can certainly agree with you, Imoutochan: my mind does not "flow" in line with the Lord sometimes--especially when I must "flow" into a long road. But before, through, and beyond, dear heart, is always that perfume of the Lord's sweet Peace. ^_^
Just keep walking, my friend. The Lord knows your limits, knows the desires of your heart to grow and surrender, knows how and how much He wants to heal you right now. Trust that all that He plans to teach you, show you is already in place. ^_^ You'll be fine, Imoutochan. Just keep pressing in. <3 Jj
It’s common sense. It doesn’t have to “work that way.” I think I can "un-sister" myself if I want to. I think I can "un-important Christian" myself as well.
Hang in there, dear heart. Put on some worship music. I'm praying for you today. <3 Jj
Sigh... I spose. =/
^_^ Is there something on your mind you're hoping to discuss?
Umm... I don't really know how to go about discussing it. Can you help me out?
Well, are there any specific concerns you're facing right now?
Uhh... getting replaced, essentially. And slightly feeling like I kicked myself in the butt and worrying at the same time that I am loved less, but knowing it was still the right thing to do and essentially my fault that I feel this way.
(Sorry for the delay. I'm writing about Stephen Crane... He's so depressing. :P)
Yeah, Stephen Crane isn't exactly light and happy reading. :/ Goodness.
Imoutochan, you have multipile friends. Do you have a habit of rotating them in and out of favored positions, like circuit breakers? ^_^
And these friends of yours: are they the low calibre of people who would habitually do that sort of thing?
Um, actually yes. As I've mentioned to Panda before, who hasn't denied it, these friends pick days of the week to like me. Many of them come around only when they need something. Others have favorites and you're not their favorite when you aren't actively in the helping a damsel in distress mode. They have no fear in showing favoritism to your other friends either. Much of my life I have had friends like these. They like me on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays, I like to say. *shrugs* I tend to like those who like me at the time being. I would rather be with which ever friend decided they wanted me to be their best friend for the day. So I guess I do it a little too, because I'm not left with much more of a choice. I'm a friend to the close friends who decided they like me for the day. Does that make any sense?
I'm talking about my friend, friends. But I guess maybe that fear the my sisters might be the same way flows over, even though they haven't given me any major reason to think otherwise. *shrugs again*
Well, as far as sibling relationships go, I suppose the closest I can come to answering your question is to describe my own experiences with, and feelings toward, my sisters. Would that be helpful?
Yeah. I know my sisters are different from my friends. Thank goodness. But sometimes it's still hard not to compare relationships or draw fears from them, like relationships with friends, parents, or family. I try not to, but I have grown up and around a steriotype of friend and family member that is not very pretty and definitely not consistent.
Well, here are my personal experiences and convictions as an older sister:
My job is to tease, guide, nurture, love, chastise, encourage, pray for and pray with, cry for and cry with, annoy and embarass, cuddle, comfort, laugh at, laugh with, brag about, and forgive my little sisters. I'm blessed with three of these scary, smart li'l dynamos. And I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. Each one is a gift from God, never to be duplicated or replaced. Granted, there are moments when I'd like to knock a knot or shake a pait of shoulders; but they wouldn't be quite so lovable if they were not quite so crazy (or "meshugga" to borrow a yiddish term). ^_~
My sisters and I continue to work through an interesting set of dysfunctional stereotypes, due to our upbringings. But that's just one of many good reasons practice open communication, cut each other some slack, and seek to be encouraging. (I'm frequently guilty of drawing hasty conclusions regarding a tone or a motive; it's muddied the waters on many occasions. Fortunately, these sweet girls continue to forgive me and practice patience.) I'm truly blessed. *-*
I'm sorry. :(
For what? o.O
For when you want to hit them and they make you frustrated. :'(
*laughing* Oh, don't worry about that. I frustrate them and cause them to wish to hit me as well. ^_^ It all evens out.
Perhaps that's one of your misconceptions, Imoutochan. A sibling is not required to be perfect. There's no checklist, no qualifications inventory. All that's necessary for good sibling interaction (please notice: I did not say this is a prerequisite for any interaction, just needed for healthy interaction) is to listen openly and share honestly. That's how ion sharpens iron. That's how we grow upward toward God and inward toward each other. ^_^ So please don't fret about your lack of perfection, my friend. If you're sisters are what they should be, perfection is not what they're expecting.
Sigh... I suppose. I'm still sorry for those times though.
So, what keeps you from making everyone else you hang out with sisters as well? Why are your sisters any different than them?
Hmm...I'm not sure I can qualify that one for you very well. It's just a bond. It's a certain level of commitment. Not one I take lightly; and certainly not one I extend to everyone. There's a difference in the level of sharing, and a permanence to the affection. Does that make any sense to you?
A little I suppose, I just haven't really exactly had any siblngs in the past, so it's harder for me to understand. (Especially since someone who isn't blood can be made a sibling, why not make everyone siblings?)
^_^ Maybe the Lord wants to show you over time what that relationship--in a healthy form--is supposed to look like. Just keep trusting Him, Imoutochan. And keep trusting those He has given you. You'll make it through, dear heart. Just keep trusting and pressing in. I'm proud of you! <3 Jj
Ugh... I'm wide awake. O.o
I love you lots Jj. Thanks. <3
^_^ Same here, Imoutochan. I'm praying for you today.
What's it mean when during basketball I can be hot and sweating, but everyone that touches says that I'm ice cold. Don't normal people feel hot when they've been running around? I mean, apparently, because about half the team is freaked out. Several of them like to use me as an icepack during the games and practice. 9_9 :) Maybe my blood pressure is low from exercising and since my blood flow isn't that good it intensifies the side effects, therefore making me feel cold (on the outside).
I honestly don't have a good answer for you, Imoutochan. :/ It's probably not a good sign, so just keep an eye on it, okay?
Okay, but, basketball games are going to be over soon. So, I can't keep an eye on it for much longer.
That's a good point. ^_^ But it's at least something to be aware of.
How are you doing today in other respects?
Um, I'm doing okay, much better than the last fews days anyway. I don't know really... Honestly, sometimes it's hard to know how I am.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm still praying for you. And great job on continuing to seek the Lord and seek to participate in the growth process! Atta girl! ^_^
I just wanted to say night. My sissy tucked me in and prayed for me so Jesus will keep me safe. He helped my fever get better too. I love you too. Night.
Thank you, Imoutochan. I hope you slept well. Moreover, I pray you experienced the Rest of Jesus. ^_^ I'm praying for you, my friend.
I slept after I talked to my sister, but my parents got home later and I got woked up. Then I couldn't sleep because of my medicine and my legs hurt me really bad so I was all squirmy. But I found my pain killers the doctor gave me for my finger and took one and slept a little more. But I didn't have any dreams. :) I think it was a Jesus rest night. My sissies helped it to be a lot.
I'm so glad to hear that your Rested. ^_^ Thank you, Jesus!
But, I need to do it a lot more today. =/ I am so so so exhausted and sleepy!
Well, I hope that happens. Try taking a nap, if at all possible. ^_^
I will go do that now.
I hope you're feeling more rested, my friend. ^_^
Mmm... I'm a little more happy. Although I've been stressing over names. No, I'm not kidding. I want to find just the right ones. :) But I'm more exhausted than before because a nap never got accomplished. =/
Well I'm glad that your mind is more rested, at least. I hope you get some restful sleep tonight, too. I'm praying for you. <3
I'm so tired. *still sobbing* I've never been this tired and worn out and scared. I went from no headache and hardly a runny nose to the worst migrain ever, hyperventalating, choking and as a result throwing up. Sissy helped me, but I am so worn out and scared. Jj, I don't like living. I don't like being me. I hate it.
I'm going to lay down for some more. I sent Arrie a message and telled her thanks. I'm really fuzzy and my head hurts really bad because I'm really sick and throing up feeling. I wish I want to go to sleep. I feel bad. I love you. I wish I could hear you like I do when you talk to me. I'm going to lay down my head now. The lights hurts. Love you.
Imoutochan, whatever is troubling your heart, Jesus has it under control. Just trust Him, rest before Him. It's all going to be okay--no matter how frightening or out-of-control the circumstances appear. We serve a very, very, very big and loving and holy God. Everything works together to glorify Him; and that means everything works together for the good of those who love and serve Him. ^_^ In the midst of a night storm, it's nearly impossible remember the calm of the previous day, or the fresh, peaceful beauty yet to come. So just trust and rest. Trust and rest. It will be okay, my friend. <3 Jj
I'm too sick to rest. I don't know that I can survive today with no sleep last night. O.o
You're in my prayers, Imoutochan. <3 Jj
I love you lots and lots. I prayed that you will stay safe today.
*-* Thank you. I survived. ^_^
Today is not a good day, nor was yesterday. I have the whole house clean though and I am working on government with my grandma.
o.O Well, that's an interesting combination of pastimes... ^_^
I'm praying for you. Keep me posted, okay? <3
Ok =/
My boss needs to un-hire that handsome red-headed fella. And my supervisor really needs to un-notice that I'm fully aware of this guy's cuteness factor.
Oo, you got caught. ;)
-_- Not funny.
-_- Scamp.
^_~
Yahuh. ^_^
-_- Incorrigible rascal.
Pretty Thang. ^_^
Well, I'm glad you've finally recognized your true identity. ^_^
Oh no madam, I was clearly talking of your beautiful nature.
You really do need new glasses.
Naw sista, they got me fixed up. They're as strong as I'm getting. Without having glasses this is as good as I'm going to see. When I go to college I have to get new ones.
^_^ New spiritual glasses.
*gasp* You're right! I'm so sorry! You are an extra beautiful and talented woman with so much to offer. You make everyone smile and radiant with inner beauty that you have received from having Christ centered in your life. ^_^
-_- That was ridiculous. And very good... I'm out-comebacked. Point for you.
Point for me. ^_^ Yay for newspaper adds! I think I will post it in the Chronicle. Maybe I should write this devilish red head a letter. *shrugs eyebrows muscheiviously*
o.O You lost me...and I'm not sure I want to be found on that one. The little bit I understood rather frightens me.
Don't worry about me. I'm rather harmless tonight. I'm sure I'm just as lost.
^_^ Okay. *head pat* Thanks for bantering, though. I always enjoy that. *-*
How are you doing?
I'm ... mentally fried. I got a bloody nose tonight!
And that's bad, correct?
It just started bleedin in the shower. itwas a good one too. i had blood all over me. it kinda freaked me out, becase i don get bloody noses and ive been in a lot pain tonight
:( Sad. I'm praying for you, dear heart. Hang in there. In the midst of it all, just keep actively seeking to rest before the Lord. He's got all this craziness under complete control. <3
I'm sorry babe. I'm not doing a very good job tonight.
You're fine, my friend. Go get some rest, okay? Rest before the Lord; listen to worship music and just find Rest. ^_^ I'm continuing to pray for you, with you. Keep pressing in, dear heart. I'm proud of you. <3 Jj
I haven't slept at all again. I think my medicine is doing it to me. I had a bad fever all night too. I was sweaty even though my room stays 60 and under. Sleeping hasn't been this bad ever. Honestly. And I have more government to do today and finish writing a paper on my sister of mine for Bible class. Can pray for stamina that I get through the day? With 4 hours of church and another 4 hours at least of school work my brain is going to be overloaded with no sleep. I have 5 chapters left to do in government. We got one done in almost 4 hours solid yesterday. I wrote 8 solid pages. O.o This is ridiculous! I also figured I wouldn't get my chores even half done yesterday. Well, I not only got them half done, but I got them all done and better than I normally do. By the end of the night I had the laundry all caught up to. There are 7 hampers of laundry to be folded in the hall and trash bag full of shop towels by the door. Things are organized and even washed my bedding. Mmm... it smells yummy. :) Mr. Piggy got a bath too. My parents were shocked at how much work done and so am I. God helped me yesterday. I tried really hard to keep focused on him and I listened to lots of worship music. w00t for going back to the 90s and listening to Point of Grace. I haven't done that for a long time. ;) Yesterday was still really hard. I got to talk to my sister last night though and work through some of what happened on Friday and some of the continued lies and fear that carried over. I have been very very scared the last two days and very very beleguered with no sleep to help. =/ It's been reeeaaally hard. But a lot got cleared up last night and just in time before my parents got home for me to be able to show them what all I did. I also enjoyed getting to banter with you. I haven't gotten to do that in a while. It was relaxing even though it was short. :) Is this guy a Crhistian? What do you know about him? I hope you get to relax and recooperate today. I wish I could, so I wish extra that you will for me. It's going to be a while before I have any time at all to rest. Will you take time to rest for me if nothing else? I know you need it and I love you lots.
I'm praying for you, my friend. Good job on taking care of your work! Hang in there. And just Rest before the Lord. Take everything one step at a time; He'll get you there. <3 Jj
I was praying for you yesterday evening; and I'm continuing to do so today. ^_^
I hope you hav a wonderful, restful day, my friend. <3 Jj
How's come you don't day anything on here anymore? :(
:/ Because I've been working on that whole "time management" thing...and discovering that I really stink at it. Also because I've been devoting large amounts of time to prayer these last few weeks. But yes, I don't like neglecting this space.
I want to put up a new installment soon. Hopefully that will help with ongoing conversations. Or, if you have questions or ideas to share, that would be great. (In an effort to avoid the dangers of this blog becoming overly focused on me, I'm hesitant to begin conversations in the comment strands. This space is the domain of thosebeyond myself. ^_^ Perhaps I take the hesitance too far sometimes. I'll work on balancing that...once I figure out this "time management" thing. ^_~)
Friday I "woke up" feeling better. Still, I wasn't what you would call good, but I certainly was as bas as I had been all week. I wasn't nearly as clingy and I was fairly content. In fincance we had a study hall and Kaite, who has recently (as in the last 3 weeks or so) become a jerk and Mary and I both rather upset with her (Mary because she know she has been less than nice to me and won't talk to me anymore), was in there with me alone. The feeling of hurt and frustration wanted to build up, but I decided to ignore it instead. Not saying more than two words, I kept to myself and finally read through the whole book of Ephesians. Which helped me be in an even better mood. Then chapel, which was supposed to be one of the gut check times and search yourself for sin and evil, which when presented correctly can really be a hard message to hear. Which the chapel speaker, who also gets to come with us on servant safari, is a really good one. But it didn't feel harsh at all. In fact, I was sad chapel ended. I felt no hard convictions as I opened myself up to the Lord's calling out before hand. I felt no condemnation. I had two, "keep an eye on this and watch it." But, even though I knew I had been guilty of those things in the past, I really felt no judgment on them. I know God was being clear, because I specifically asked him to be for my small little mind that doesn't grasp things well. Anyway, the rest of the day went fast and it felt more like the last day of school. All day the classes never drudged on. Play practice was a little long, but by the time the basketball game rolled around and I came into to contact with different people and got rubbed the wrong way several times, then how tired I actually was resurfaced. Like Elijah's first day of food, it helped my body but I still needed sleep.
Saturday I was feeling better, although my mental tiredness took a while to wear off. Saturday was much like Elijah's second sleep. A supernarural thing that only comes from God, which means it was real resorative deep sleep. For the first time since I can remember I was really happy. I didn't have any problems or cares or worries all day. I had fun and felt loved. This gave Elijah the strength to go on another 40 days. But even with this new found strength that God had divinely given him he still isolated himself off and went to a mountaine to be by himself. The journey was too much for him, like God had said. He decided to have a self-pity party. After he had victoriously conquered, we see by fatigue and fear he gave into Satan's mental jabs. But God calls him out of the cave and he obeys. In the subtle wind God speaks to him and then Elijah goes on and continues God's work. It makes me feel a lot better that people like Job and Elijah and Moses got worn down and dealt with this kind of thing. I feel less like a failure. Anyway, Sunday came along. The message the pastor spoke on was supposed to be given last Sunday night, but was missed it. So, it must have gotten moved to this morning. The message was on overcoming discouragement and depression. (which will be up on their website by the middle of the week I would imagine) He talked about Elijah and how sometimes we just need rest. And he talked about where all fear comes from and how it's a spirit, not an emotion. He talked about how to recognize depression, which I already knew I had definitely been full out depressed. And then he gave some ideas on getting out of depression. Which, however, is harder to get out of than it seems it should be. I think a lot of it also depends on God's timing and when he decides to speak and let his prescence be known. In my own twisted way, listening to those fears and insecurities was almost a way of getting God to show up. There isn't a lack of desire to be in his prescence. But at the same time, even though I want to be with him, I'm also afraid of him and what he can do. So, therefore, it's hard to place my total faith in him that he won't hurt me or answer me when I talk to him. It's been silent a lot lately. So, it's not exactly what you would call an easy fix. But today God's voice was in the wind. And the rest of the day I took off from all school work and just had fun working on Lind's project. I slept about an hour before God woke me up and gave me my next assignment, much like he did Elijah. He wants me to write two peices.
Praise God! I'm so happy to hear the ways in which He has blessed you recently! *-* And I'm very proud of you, too, my friend. Atta girl! Good job of pressing in--in multiple areas. ^_^
I know that I personally have struggled before (and will again, I'm sure) with the desire to manipulate God into proving His love and protection. You're right: there's something so much more frightening about asking in God in a straight-forward manner to demonstrate His love and protection. What do you think makes itmore difficult?
I'll be praying about these writing assignments of yours. What are these pieces going to be about? (if you don't mind sharing)
They are about whether there is a specific will for people, instead of a just a universal will that everyone should be saved. And also the whole idea of spiritual gifts will play off of that peice and the fact that the Bible doesn't evolve over time.
Because, it may feel like God has let you down or taken things from you before, therefore you don't trust him all that much to provide for you in an area that would seem to trivial to God, but so big to you. So, you make a last ditch effort to get to have to show up, instead of expecting that he will.
Those sound like wonderful topics to write about. Atta girl! ^_^ I'll be praying for you as you work on them.
Yes, we try to force God's hand--so lost in our need for some sense of control that we fail to recall who God is, and that He cannot be forced. You're right, Imoutochan. There's a gut-level battle between desperately wanting the Lord to care...and desperately fearing the sting of disappointment if He really doesn't.
I know that I, myself, am once more in a position of realizing that I don't fear God enough: I have a very superficial grasp of His character. The depths of my soul do not resound with an understanding and awe of who He IS--how holy, how unshakeable. I'm so glad we get to make mistakes and keep learning. ^_^ I'm glad that He IS patience.
Exactly, because He is so big and powerful. O.o That's why He scares me... or I don't think he will show up.
Of course He'll show up. After all, you belong to Him, right? Does the Lord ever abandon the work of His hands? ^_^
There's nothing wrong with being afraid--as long as you allow Him to work in and through your fear. Tell Him when/how you're frightened. Let's both continue allowing the Lord to draw us into a healthy, awe-filled relationship with Himself!
(And even when we technically comprehend that He loves us as the "works of His hands" it's so very temping to still wonder: "But do you just love me as a thing--a tool, an implement? Do you love me as more than that? Less? How much do you really love me? ...I'm afraid the answer will disappoint...perhaps it would be better if I assume the worst."
Will you really provide that job?
Will you really heal this situation?
Will you actually perform that miracle? And will you sustain me fully in the aftermath?
Will the manner in which you choose to orchestrate the future only hurt me?
"Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief..."
^_^
Oh, chapel today was about fear and how we don't have to be afraid by "might be's" and "could happens." Just thought you might be interested to know. ;)
Very nice timing. ^_^ I'm glad to hear that. God is so faithful.
You can be scary to have as a friend you know... ;)
*no comment*
*laughing*
I'm praying for you tonight, my friend.
Jj?
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