Fermatas, Caesuras, and Codas in the Score of Father's Time

Only three or four blank pages remain at the end of my current journal. The frequency of my entries has lessened in the last few months—trying to save open space for the “really important” events and ponderings. It will be difficult to say goodbye and move on to a new set of bound, blank pages. This journal has absorbed so many changing experiences with me. I wrote the very first entry on August 1, 2006, in the summer following my junior year of college. (For some of you, dear readers, the significance of that summer is not yet clear, since we have yet to reach that point in my testimony. In many ways, that summer marked a turning point. It was a time of tremendous growth, and also a respite—storing up strength—before the next gathering storm crashed down on my world.)

I’ve decided to share a few entries from that first year; we can walk down memory lane together.

• 8/1/06—Dear Father, thank you for prompting me to read Psalm 139 again this morning. (Thank you, Holy Spirit, for beginning to show me how to pray through scripture! Please continue the work you’ve begun in me.)
• 8/7/06—God, I’m scared and tired and worried. At the same time that I’m delighted to obey you, I doubt myself. I want to follow you, to be a faithful handmaiden…but that house is the last place I’d go of my own accord. Please rescue me from my frailty and doubt! Save me from myself and lead me down the path of righteousness for the sake of your name!
• 8/17/06—[I don’t believe this was addressed to anyone specific at the time it was written] Describing my relationship with God for you would be like describing a sunset to a blind person or trying to recreate a symphony for someone who was born deaf: there simply aren’t words. A relationship with the Perfect Father, with the Only Savior, must be experienced to be understood. [cont. 8/30] It’s a knowledge that runs through my marrow, a knowledge that becomes the core of my being: I AM LOVED. In spite of who I am; because of who I am. I am loved—forgiven, purified, and cherished. He’s offering that love to you, too. God wants to show you a love more constant and pure than any you will ever receive from a friend, a lover, or a father. It’s not about rules, or appearances, or control. This relationship is about relinquishing our broken selves to the one and only Creator, and receiving from him all that [we] can become.
• 8/30/06—There are two ways to deal with the “threat” of God: 1)Run in the opposite direction—eschew him; 2)Walk around him—acknowledge him as the holder of your “Life Insurance Policy” and the one to complain to when times get tough; get a “feel” for God and continue on your way; [cont. 11/19] 3)Take up arms and battle your life away
• 10/24/06—Thank you for clarifying the true nature of compliments for me! It never occurred to me that, as your child, a compliment to me is really a compliment to you!
• 12/20/06—Save me from myself, Father! Today when I caught myself questioning if perhaps I was really at fault—if I was in fact “on my high horse”—I realized just how worn out I’ve become. Mon Dieu! Sauvez-moi! You alone are my strength.
• 1/27/07—Adonai-Tzva’ot please teach me “tzav la-tzav; kav la-kav; z’eir sham, z’eir sham (precept by precept; line by line; a little here, a little there)” Isaiah 28:10….Father, I’m still controlling and manipulative sometimes; I abhor it!!! Take this from me, please. “Hope drawn-out wearies the heart” and brings about destruction. Isaiah 43; Psalm 56:9. Oh my Love, you have brought me so far! Please continue to deliver me from my bondages. Please liberate me from any...baggage I’m unknowingly carrying. Jeremiah 33:3
• 1/29/07—The cry of my heart this morning: My Lord, please fill me with your beauty and wisdom; I want to be an adornment for your temple—for your throne room. I long to hear you say, “Oh, look how this one sparkles and shines!” I want to be all that is wise and beautiful, so that I may bring great honor to you, my Love.
• 2/10/07—“The only appropriate war rhetoric is war rhetoric that calls our enemies spirits, and people with flesh the victims of this war….If we could muster a portion of the patriotism we feel toward our earthly nations into a patriotism and bravery in concert with the kingdom of God, the enemy would take fewer casualties to be sure” (Miller, Donald; Searching for God Knows What, pg. 88).
• 2/17/07—“Jesus did not lend Himself to war causes, to tax issues or political campaigns….to raising money for education or stumping for affirmative action. It was as if he did not trust us to build a utopia….’Follow me,’ He said. ‘I have no opinion about what color the paint should be in this prison. Follow Me.’” (Miller; Searching…, pg 194).
• 2/27/07—[a.m.] My Lord, thank you for helping me to love Becky and myself with your own pure love. When she climbed into bed with me Friday, crying and hurt, you gave me wisdom, Holy Spirit—wisdom and the urgent desire to relinquish our plans to you. Last night (Monday) you gave me insight as to how I’ve been hurting her, and gave me the words to begin healing [our relationship]….Holy Spirit, please continue to work in me.
• 3/1/07—Father, right now my head is swimming; there are so many things you’re showing me right now about yourself, about me, about others, and about life. Please speak to me—please make sense of it all.
• [undated poem]—“Wrap your arms ‘round me/ and dance on my feet/ I delight in your laughter/ my daughter so sweet/ Let me enfold you/ come dance on my feet/ Just smile through your tears/ feel my healing so sweet/ You hold me tight and/ let me dance on Your feet/ the heavens rejoice/ in your glory so sweet/ You give me joy/ make my whole life complete/ My Father, my Savior and King
• 4/19/07—My Lord, I know you love me: 1)in the context of a master whose servant desires to glorify him; 2)in the context of a long-distance lover whose beloved is purifying herself for him; 3)as a potter who perfects his vessel by re-sculpting, and by fire. But I just can’t wrap my mind around your love as my Abba—that you desire to lavish me with blessings. I can’t internalize the idea that you don’t desire to give me a boy who’s “not too bad;” you desire to bless me with a Man who is healthy, who hungers after you! It’s beyond imagining!
• 5/12/07—Abba, I want to desire to allure those I encounter to know more of your heart. You desire—and deserve—to be sought.
• 6/25/07—My Lord, I long to be fully and completely yours. Please fill me to overflowing with your spirit. Holy Spirit, bring all your power to bear in me: your mercy, justice, faith, joy, truth, love, righteousness, healing, prophecy… I want as much of you as possible. I want you to be glorified by my every breath.
• 7/2/07—Abba, it’s times like yesterday—when I was offered money in exchange for receiving oral sex—that I really struggle against the lie that I’m only desirable to scum, that $20 is all I’m worth. Help me hold fast to the truth: I am priceless in your eyes. Holy Spirit please keep me from self-pity and despair. In your love, I am complete; I lack nothing.
• 7/17/07—Abba, all I can do is choose you each and every day. But that’s all it takes, isn’t it? Thank you for holding me tight yesterday. Between what Dad did and did not say…I wouldn’t have made it without you. “He likened you to Absalom.” That’s what Mom told me last night—Dad sees me as Absalom. He sees me as trying to “steal the hearts” of his family and friends. Abba, please wipe away the tears bleeding from my heart. “God, how I prize your thoughts! How many of them there are! If I count them, there are more than grains of sand; if I finish the count, I am still with you” (Psalm 139:17-18).
• 8/14/07—“Those ransomed by Adonai will return and come with singing to Tziyon; on their heads will be everlasting joy. They will acquire gladness and joy, while sorrow and sighing will flee. ‘I, yes I, am the one who comforts you! Why are you afraid of a man, who must die; of a human being, who will wither like grass? You have forgotten Adonai, your maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth. Instead you are in constant fear all day because of the oppressor’s rage, as he prepares to destroy. But where is the oppressor’s rage? The captive will soon be set free; he will not die and go down to Sh’ol; on the contrary, his food supply will be secure. For I am Adonai your God, who stirs up the sea, who makes its waves roar—Adonai-Tzva’ot is my name. I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand, in order to plant the skies [anew], lay the foundations of the earth [anew] and say to Tziyon, “You are my people.”’” Isaiah 51:11-16

It’s bittersweet for me to look back and see what has or has not changed. The quotations still reverberate in my heart. Some of my more specific prayers from that period of time (not shared here, for the sake of individuals’ privacy) have been answered; several of them, quite powerfully. All of the prayers included above are yet on my lips—prayed all the more fervently now, because as I move forward I gain a better view of how very distant I am from the goal. Yet here and there I catch the clear notes of progress. And these honey-sweet tones of growth swell, as deepening chords well up from my heart and ring forth: a hallel of honor, worship, and awe; a maskil of repentance, of lessons partially learned, and of longing for the finish line…for home.