12.22.2009

The Ongoing Pageant of Salvation

“I knew something like this would happen,” Alice Wendleken whispered to me. “[Ralph and Imogene] didn’t come at all! We won’t have any Mary and Joseph—and now what are we supposed to do?”

Ralph and Imogene were there all right, only for once they didn’t come through the door pushing each other out of the way. They just stood there for a minute as if they weren’t sure they were in the right place—because of the candles, I guess, and the church being full of people. They looked like the people you see on the six o’clock news—refugees, sent to wait in some strange ugly place, with all their boxes and sacks around them.

It suddenly occurred to me that this was just the way it must have been for the real Holy Family, stuck away in a barn by people who didn’t much care what happened to them. They couldn’t have been very neat and tidy either, but more like this Mary and Joseph (Imogene’s veil was cockeyed as usual and Ralph’s hair stuck out all around his ears). Imogene had the baby doll but she wasn’t carrying it the way she was supposed to, cradled in her arms. She had it slung up over her shoulder, and before she put it in the manger she thumped it twice on the back.

I heard Alice gasp and she poked me. “I don’t think it’s very nice to burp the baby Jesus,” she whispered, “as if he had colic.” Then she poked me again. “Do you suppose he could have had colic?”

I said, “I don’t see why not,” and I didn’t. He could have had colic, or been fussy, or hungry like any other baby. After all, that was the whole point of Jesus—that he didn’t come down on a cloud like something out of “Amazing Comics,” but that he was born and lived…a real person.

Next cam Gladys, from behind the angel choir, pushing people out of the way and stepping on everyone’s feet. Since Gladys was the only one in the pageant who had anything to say she made the most of it: “Hey! Unto you a child is born!” she hollered, as if it was, for sure, the best news in the world. And all the shepherds trembled, sore afraid—of Gladys, mainly, but it looked good anyway.

[Then] everybody in the audience shifted around to watch the Wise Men march up the aisle.

“What have they got?” Alice whispered.

I didn’t know, but whatever it was, it was heavy—Leroy almost dropped it. He didn’t have his frankincense jar either, and Claude and Ollie didn’t have anything, although they were supposed to bring the gold and the myrrh.

“I knew this would happen,” Alice said for the second time. “I bet it’s something awful.”

“Like what?”

“Like…a burnt offering. You know the Herdmans.”

Well, they did burn things, but they hadn’t burned this yet. It was a ham—and right away I knew where it came from. This was the Herdman’s food-basket ham. It still had the ribbon around it, saying Merry Christmas.

“I’ll bet they stole that!” Alice said.

“They did not. It came from their food basket, and if they want to give away their own ham I guess they can do it.” But even if the Herdmans didn’t like ham (that was Alice’s next idea) they had never before in their lives given anything away except lumps on the head. So you had to be impressed.

“They’re ruining the whole thing!” Alice whispered, but they weren’t at all. As a matter of fact, it seemed to me that the Herdmans had improved the pageant a lot, just by doing what came naturally—like burping the baby, for instance, or thinking a ham would make a better present than a lot of perfumed oil.

Usually, by the time we got to “Silent Night,” which was always the last carol, I was fed up with the whole thing and couldn’t wait for it to be over. But I didn’t feel that way this time. I almost wished for the pageant to go on, with the Herdmans in charge, to see what else they would do that was different.

Everyone sang “Silent Night,” including the audience. We sang all the verses too, and when we got to “Son of God, Love’s pure light” I happened to look at Imogene and I almost dropped my hymn book on a baby angel.

Everyone had been waiting all this time for the Herdmans to do something absolutely unexpected. And Sure enough, that was what happened.

Imogene Herdman was crying.

In the candlelight her face was all shiny with tears and she didn’t even bother to wipe them away. She just sat there—awful old Imogene—in her crookedy veil, crying and crying and crying.

For years, I’d thought about the wonder of Christmas, and the mystery of Jesus’ birth, and never understood it. But now, because of the Herdmans, it didn’t seem so mysterious after all.

When Imogene had asked me what the pageant was about, I told her it was about Jesus, but that was just part of it. It was about a new baby, and his mother and father who were in a lot of trouble—no money, no place to go, no doctor, nobody they knew. And then, arriving from the East (like my uncle from New Jersey) some rich friends.

But Imogene, I guess, didn’t see it that way. Christmas just came over her all at once, like a case of chills and fever. And so she was crying.

As far as I’m concerned, Mary is always going to look a lot like Imogene Herdman—sort of nervous and bewildered, but ready to clobber anyone who laid a hand on her baby. And the Wise Men are always going to be Leroy and his brothers, bearing ham.

When we came out of the church that night it was cold and clear, with crunchy snow underfoot and bright, bright stars overhead. and I thought about the Angel of the Lord—Gladys, with her skinny legs and her dirty sneakers sticking out from under her robe, yelling at all of us, everywhere:

“Hey! Unto you a child is born!”

(The Best Christmas Pageant Ever; chapter 7, abridged)

~ ~ ~

Thank you so very much for the gift of sharing this space with me. I count it a privilege to walk with you, and an honor that you contribute your time and thoughts. My goodness, friends, it has been quite a year… I don’t know about every one of you, but I can safely say that Jesus has been refining me with a vengeance these twelve months. So many reasons to praise my Lord and Lover! My year was a journey of heartbreak…of farewells and hellos…belly laughs (the kind that leave your eyes watering and your muscles sore)…painful obedience…joy…of desperate tears and determined worship…bubbles…coloring parties…ping pong…of grace and marvelous provision. And all of this becomes part of the beautiful, quirky, upside-down, perfect pageant the God is putting on to display His eternal Glory.

So, my friends, I will wish you a Merry Christmas; but I do not ask you to celebrate “The True Meaning Of Christmas.” Goodness no! That would be silly!

I want you to celebrate much more than that.

“After all, that was the whole point of Jesus—that he didn’t come down on a cloud like something out of 'Amazing Comics,' but that he was born and lived…a real person.” The child narrator of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever is on the right track: Jesus’ birth is only part of what we commemorate with Christmas. The Son of God never sought to glorify himself, but instead to draw our gaze to the Most High God. And just as our Lord’s arrival on this earth is a part of the whole holiday, Christmas itself is only part of the whole.

I want you to celebrate so much more than Christmas.

Christmas—the events of which spanned nearly two years in actuality—is one of countless examples (Unquestionably vital! But still “one of,” not even the penultimate) which draw our gaze toward, and demand our worship of, the One and Only Lord God. Christmas would be meaningless without the thirty years of quiet, obedient, private ministry and the final three years of adamant but unassuming public ministry—all without sinning. Christmas holds little significance without the willing, tortured death of an innocent man atoning the guilt for all humanity past and future…and his triumphant resurrection three days later. Christmas is augmented by his forty-plus days of continued teaching afterwards (such a beautiful affirmation that he is indeed Emmanuel “God With Us”) before returning to his Home in power and glory. The Son’s entire earthly ministry pointed to the Father, as God unfolded the climax of His divine pageant over the course of roughly thirty-three years.

But that’s just the climax. I want us to celebrate so much more than the climax.

The whole Jesus’ earthly ministry serves as the fulfillment and the promise within the grand epic of Time. Thirty-three years preceded by millennia of God’s glory: The creation of this world and mankind. Our unified relationship with the Creator, the Source of Life. Our choice to sin and consequent separation from the Source of Life. The Lord’s gracious promise of reconciliation. And long, generations of deliberate, painful groundwork to gradually prepare humanity for the arrival and sacrifice of a Savior—the double fulfillment of a holy promise by One who is holy, and the presentation of a new promise.

Time continues to unfold. Thirty-three years succeeded by millennia of God’s glory: Continued generations of gathered understanding. Furthering of the larger, corporate relationship—with each other as redeemed brothers and sisters, and with our holy God through the intermediary of His Son by way of the Holy Spirit. The deliberate, painful groundwork continues, preparing humanity for the fulfillment of that last promise.

God’s pageant continues. The play is not played out. And we, as players on this stage, are commanded and privileged to participate in this grand epic of Time created by the Most High to display His glory. But even when this epic ends, the pageant will continue. Into all eternity. Because God will never run out of glory to display.

We are witnesses and participants of more than this epic, more than Time. We need to celebrate much more than that.

Thank you for participating in this pageant with me, dear friends. Let's give the best, most authentic performances we can! “Hey! Unto you a child is born!”

295 comments:

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not4myself said...

A dear friend of mine sent me an email with some cute Christmas photos and this profound thought: "My favorite part of Christmas has always been the tree. We've never done anything elaborite and we're the type of people who only have it up for 3 weeks tops. But still, at night when all the lights are off and tree is glistening decorated with all it's ornaments I could sit and just look at it for hours. How much more beautiful God must be if even a synthetic tree with a bunch of wired lights strung around will catch my vision for hours."

Amen! I'm praying for each of you that the unimaginable beauty of the Most High God would fascinate you more than anything else!

not4myself said...

[I just added a good deal to the thoughts on this post]

Unknown said...

Ooo, I just read it. Sometimes I forget to check if you've written newer stuff, ‘cause the URL takes me straight to the page I want. But that was really good Jj. I wish I could write like you and have thoughts like you. :P Pretty. :) Sometimes I get upset when people always stereotype the inn keeper though. No where in the Bible does it even mention an inn keeper! But yet, someone would have had to go out of their way to show Mary and Joseph the stable. And no where in the Bible does it describe the stable. So, for all we know the inn keeper could have been very compassionate and really could not find room for them. Maybe he even cleaned out the stall for them and gotten them fresh linen and water. Who knows? Anyway… don’t mind me over here, I’ll get off my soap box. :P

not4myself said...

^_^ Soap boxes are always welcome, Imoutochan. And yes, you're right. There are many characters, like the innkeeper, who are overlooked in our rush to the angels and shepherds and wise men. For that matter, this was Joseph's hometown...so he must have had family somewhere, right? What about them? And since their stay in Bethlehem was an extended one, I'm sure Joseph didn't set up shop in that stable and keep his family there. So where di they live? Did their obvious lack of welcome among his family continue during that entire time?

So much more to the story of Christ's birth... Just like there's so much more the the story of his life. Wow. <3

not4myself said...

As for "thinking like me," that's a dangerous thing to wish for, my friend. I'm told that my thought processes are *very* bizarre. I don't think I want to wish such bizarre synapses on anyone... ^_~ But you know, we serve a very powerful, wonderful God. The manners in which He is forming you to think and write are exactly designed for His purpose. Your own bizarre synapses will erve you in precisely the ways He intends, dear heart. <3 Jj

not4myself said...

(And thank you for the compliment.) *-*

Unknown said...

How are you? How's your week been? What'd you get for Christmas? :)

Unknown said...

Well, this morning I got up and got ready. Then dad had me take him to the emergency room, which is quite something because he never even goes to the doctor. So, mom stayed home and worked on the house and I drove him and took him in. We went in at like 10 and got out at 1:00. 9_9 It took FOREVER! Anyway, the nurse said that was the worst case of conjunctivitis she had ever seen and the fastest case at that, because he just got it in his eyes yesterday morning. Sooo... hopefully I don't get it! :P But he was releived to hear that it wouldn't just go away on its own and it wasn't all for nothing. (And in the coarse of our ER visit I hadn't eaten breakfast because we left so quickly and my sugar crashed...) Then we got back just in time for the party. I spent the first our discussing church and doctrine with my cousin Casey. Then for the next several hours I was feeding and walking/bouncing Jackson because he was fussy and tired. So after almost falling asleep on me he finally settled down and I played some toys with him. Then Lucas and Braiden came in to play with me. So, overal I had some really good kid therapy. Jackson is so big! O.o Because of all the medicine they had him on, but he's filling out okay. It's cute chubby though. ^_^ I can't beleive he's nine months old now! His fingers were so little Jj! He wouldn't let go of my finger and his hand wouldn't even make it around it. God certainly knew what He was doing. Life is so beautiful especially in the form of fragile helpless babies. :) (Of coarse... with me after making 12 billion people or more He ran out of good ideas and had to start producing His ugly ones. ;) )

Unknown said...

You know what I really want right now?... A popsickle or a frozen teething ring. >.<

not4myself said...

Why do you want a popsicle? ARE you teething? ^_~


I'm delighted that you enjoyed such a lovely time with little ones. But Imoutochan, that last parenthetical comment is unacceptable. -_- Stop thinking it. Right Now.

not4myself said...

I'm doing well. I've been so blessed this Christmas--through time with loved ones in person, and the gifts of beautiful electronic wishes and prayers from dear friends far away. *-*

Unknown said...

If you count massive lumps on the sides of your mouth, however, I have not heard of teeth growing in such places.
I'm happy you're doing okay. :)

not4myself said...

Ow! You never know: you could be the first. ^_~ Sorry you're in pain, dear heart.

Aside from that, how are you doing?

Unknown said...

Mmm... I'm wore out. I didn't sleep last night and I was already a zombie the days leading up to last night. I've felt like I've been on drugs because I've been so exhausted and out of it. Yesterday didn't help a whole lot in that regards, because I spent the entire morning with my dad in the emergency room and my blood sugar crashed because of it and by the time we got home the party started (mom's side which is like 40 people). So, I'm pretty much tired and haven't been able to nap today. Apart from that I've been missing my sisters. Apart from that I've been/am doing pretty good. :) No Sparky.

Unknown said...

And I... already said most of that. O.o Wow... I totally forgot about that. Jeeze... yup, I'm tired. Sorry.

not4myself said...

^_^ That's okay, my friend. I don't mind hearing things twice. <3

Unknown said...

Jj, what can I do for my migraine? >.< I can sleep when I get it rid off. I can't take no more medicine.

not4myself said...

Imoutochan, I doubt that staring at a computer screen will do anything positive for your migraine. I'm praying for you, dear heart. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

But it's bad when it's not on. I need it to go so I can sleep.

not4myself said...

If you can get a cold washcloth or an ice pack wrapped in a towel, hold it to your forehead. Lay down, close your eyes, and turn on some gentle worship music. Just rest before the Lord, dear one. Just close your eyes and try to rest.

Unknown said...

BUT I DON'T WANNA LEAVE YOU. I FEEL SAFER HERE. CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A LITTLE BIT SO THE WOLFS DON'T COME BACK AGAIN? JJ, I'M HOT AND MY HEAD HURTS. I CAN'T TAKE NOTHING MORE FOR IT. AND I NEED TO SLEEP.

not4myself said...

My friend, never forget this: The enemy cannot shake the One who shakes you. Satan will never rule the One who rules you. ^_^

Jesus is thesource of Peace you are sensing, dear heart. He is th source of Safety you discern. And Jesus is not onthe other side of a computer screen, accessile only through conversation with another human being. No, dear one. Jesus is right beside you. His Holy Spirit dwells within you.

I know you don't feel well. I know you're exhausted, and desperately in need of sleep. The Source of Peace, Safety, and Rest is with you, Imoutochan. You should spend time with Him.

I love you, dear friend. And I'm continuing to pray that you will be able to sleep tonight. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

She is so beautiful Jj! I want her so bad! If they don't find a home for her by the time she turns 13 then she will be out on the streets. No one will adopt her because she is a gypsy. But she is so smart and so adorable! Mom would adopt her in a heart beat. Dad... not so much. So I'm praying really hard for dad's heart to be softened to her. Jj, you remember when you said you liked me the first time we met, it's the same way. I love her Jj and I'm her favorite. :)

not4myself said...

My friend, I'm so glad that the Lord has given you a lve for this little girl. By all means feel free to pray for her. But you should also keep in mind: from what I understand, there is some heavy spiritual warfare and oppression in your home, right? Do you really want to bring another person into that? Perhaps in addition to praying for your own father specifically, you should also pray for any and all other plans the Lord might have for this sweet girl. Just keep loving and pryaing for her as long as He calls you to do so--whether she is physically present with you or not. <3 Jj

I'm praying for you, Imoutochan.

Unknown said...

Sigh... you're right. Nekochan's family might adopt her though. :)

Unknown said...

But Jj, the answer to your question is yes. I would much rather be in a home with spiritual warfare than for her to be out on the streets. In the Ukraine girls who end up on the streets become prostitues because it's the only source of income they can find to keep themselves alive. And who knows if she will ever get to hear the message of Christ. At least here she would be able to hear it. And if she is under spiritual warfare that means she is God's. So, yes, I would.

I called them today because they left a hat and gloves here. Cam (the mom) answered the phone and was like you should bring them over so you can play with her. She really really likes you. And I just had to tell her that I didn't know, because I didn't want to get attatched to her. Except Jj, that I already am and I'm scared.

not4myself said...

Okay. I just wanted to make sure you considered that elemnent. I'm sure it's hard, my friend. Just trust the Lord. I'm praying for this little girl, and for you. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

Thanks Jj. How was your day?

not4myself said...

I'm doing fairly well. ^_^ At the same time, I would appreciate your prayers: I'm meeting with some rather challenging relatives in the next two days.

How are you doing?

Unknown said...

I will.

And by the way, I have decided that there can only ever be one Mr. Piggy. I just don't think he can be replaced. Seems that I feel that was about a lot of things. ;)

not4myself said...

Amen for irreplaceable! I have a few relationships like that myself. ^_^

And thank you for your prayers, my friend. <3

Unknown said...

You're welcome.

not4myself said...

Incidentally, Imoutochan, I don't believe you actually answered my question: I'd love to hear how you're doing right now. <3 Jj

not4myself said...

Why? Hmm, well, just because I take great delight in torturing my friends by wanting to hear about their lives. It's my genius, evil plan. ^_~ [insert wicked laugh here]

In all seriousness, Imoutochan, I honestly enjoy hearing about what you're pondering and experiencing. I count it an honor when you generously share your life with me. If I have done anything to offend you--if there is some way in which I have upset you or made you feel unwelcome--please, please let me know so that I can apologize. In whatever circumstances of heart and mind you find yourself in tonight, I am praying for you, dear heart. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

No Jj, I'm just not doing good. I've had a bad week since, well... Wednesday and I'm worn out and fiesty. Sparky has been around. Reading Psalms and listening to good music hasn't helped. I'm scared and exhausted. I feel lonley and forgotten and unimportant. Sigh... it just hasn't been good. I'm sorry.

Unknown said...

It's doesn't matter though. *frustrated sigh* As long as people need me they keep me around and when I'm not needed anymore they forget about me. That's how my life has always been, since 7th grade. As long as their getting adivce from me and guidance they stick around, but as soon as their problems are solved they leave and come back around again when they have new issues. I was born to be a loner. =/ Always have, always will. :( I've always had a low level importance, except with my parents and my one friend on and off. I'm dumb to think that people, even those close to me now would think I was important. Because my importance is based on what I can offer and how I perform. When new and better friends come around or maybe I just run out of helping power, people will leave or forget about me or set me aside for later. I remember in 7th and 8th grade all the girls coming to me with their boyfriend problems. My little sister at the time was clinging to me, because of the parental issues she was being put through and her friend's pain she was having to watch. I helped her and she would call me her big sister, but one day when she was fine on her own she dropped me, after two years. I remember my other friend who needed encouragement and advice. She was a wave just like everyone else. She would be close as long as she needed help, then would leave. The pink duck has very much been the same over the years. Ever since I was little I've been expendable. I'm sure a lot of it is just plain fear, but really it's not all that off base. This is my past. People have never fought to keep me around and I would be fooling myself based upon that to think anyone ever would. People come and go with their old friendships and when those old friendships pick back up then I normally get dropped and forgotten. So, there's a lot of fear and a lot of wanting to run away out of fear of getting hurt again. It's just... at the point where I am at I'm so vulnerable and it's gonna hurt a whole lot more than it has in the past and I'm sick with fear. I hear every day from Sparky that I'm worthless and not important or going to not be important. No one can stick with someone like that. It's just a matter of time. And then I'm depressed from this whole deal with August. And being alone all week hasn't helped. I just... I don't know how much longer I can hold on. :'(

not4myself said...

Dear heart, I can tell you from experience that this is very hard, but very necessary: you must not assume or interpret current relationships through the lense of past ones. Even if it's a re-started friendship. The Lord can and does change people, Imoutochan. Moreover, new friends are not the same people as those who have hurt you in the past. It is a disservie to them, and yourself, to assume that the outcome will be no different than painful experiences from your past.

It's very frightening, isn't it? I know there's a huge temptation to run away--to cut others off before they can cut you off. What you said about being a loner: I used to tell myself that same thing over and over. I was so hurt, so scared...there were so many betrayals and broken friendships in so few years of living. This is my past, too. But that doesn't mean it *must* be my present or future.

This is your past. But your present and future are not governed by those painful experiences. ^_^ God has much better things for you, just as He has for me. The Lord has graciously provided me with some beautiful, strong, dedicated friends. I count you among them, Imoutochan. And I personally believe that the Lord has already begun surrounding you with solid, lasting friendships, dear heart. Do not believe such lies about your own worth in the eyes of others. And do not allow the enemy to bury you under false accusations against friends who love you dearly.

not4myself said...

I do forgive you, since you apologized. I also ask your forgiveness--in case there is any word or action of mine which has accidentally hurt you. I'm praying with you tonight, dear heart. Hang in there. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

Thanks Jj. Please don't leave me, cause I love you a lot. :'(

not4myself said...

^_^ I love you, too. And I'd like to see you try to make me leave. ^_~

Unknown said...

Nooo... I don't want to try. :)

not4myself said...

Well then, I guess you're stuck with me. Poor thing...

not4myself said...

By the way, thank you again for your prayers regarding my visits with some relatives. I needed them. <3

Unknown said...

You're welcome Jj.

not4myself said...

So, how are you doing in the area of trusting that the One who loves you best has everything under control--that He does not give gifts with the intent of taking them away?

Unknown said...
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Unknown said...
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not4myself said...

Trust in both, Imoutochan. No, there's nothing wrong with seeking assurance from the Lord or other people. ^_^ But even when you're unsure in your own mind, trust the Lord and those He has placed in your life. Okay? Hang in there, my friend. <3 Jj

not4myself said...

Truly, Imoutochan, did I manage to answer your question?

Unknown said...

Which question?

Unknown said...

Honestly Jj... it sounded more like a lecture with a vague answer of "You should know this." instead of an answer of yes or no. But, it could just be that I have been extremely irritable the last two days.

not4myself said...

Sorry; my goal was to encourage, not lecture. Attempting to read between the lines of what you wrote earlier, I had the impression that you are fearful of falling by the wayside in the minds and hearts of your friends. I'm sure you have friends who seek wholeheartedly after the Lord. While I cannot make claims for anyone other than myself, I truly believe that Jesus brought these relationships into your life at the proper time; just as he brought a relationship with you into the lives of each friend at the proper time. ^_^ Such a God gives good gifts. In the same way that you consider these friends to be good gifts, you yourself are a good gift, Imoutochan. I do not believe God will suddenly withdraw such a good gift from either you or one of your friends. <3

not4myself said...

Is that a bit more clear?

Unknown said...

Yeah, thanks. =/

not4myself said...

What's troubling you, dear heart? You still don't sound very certain.

Unknown said...

Sigh, nothing that has to do with this.
Why aren't you hanging out with Panda and her friend?

not4myself said...

Different locations. ^_^

If you'd like to share, either here or elsewhere, you know you're welcome. <3 I'm praying for you.

Unknown said...

Ah... right. I should have known. Are you at your job place yet?

not4myself said...

Not yet. And once I am, I won't have internet access. So, I guess I should view this situation as an invitation from the Lord to focus more on Him and less on technology. (I will really miss the regular interaction with some loved ones that is mainly possible through internet. But moping will not do either me or them any good, so I might as well be positive, eh? ~_^)

Unknown said...

Did you have work today?

not4myself said...

Nope. But I did on yesterday, and I will on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Unknown said...

Just frustration with keeping getting forgotten and left out by my friends and cousins. And then having to deal with Sparky and having no one around to help. I'm not as important as a lot of people, you know. It doesn't matter if I'm miserable and need 10 minutes of help. I don't rate.

not4myself said...

"I'm not as important as a lot of people, you know." No. I most certainly didn't know that. Dear heart, what standards and evidence are you using to reach that conclusion?

Unknown said...

Common sense. When people are forgetting about you and don't invite you to things and leave you out, then it might be a clue. Also when they kind find 10 minutes to help you when you really really need it.

not4myself said...

What does Special look and feel like, Imoutochan? (This isn't a trick question; I'm not being flippant or blowing you off. I genuinely want to know.) What indicates 'Special' to you, my friend?

Unknown said...

I said important, not special. And important looks like someone taking the time to help you out, even if they don't really have all that much time. The way I was raised when your friend needed help, you drop whatever you're doing and run to them. So, 1) Taking time even though you really might not have much, especially if it's a short amount of time. 2) Just acknowledging and remembering the person!

not4myself said...

I know you didn't say special. I know that. And I know you're hurt right now. Were you and I in the same location, I would treat you like a sister: giving you a long hug and allowing you to cry or just breathe. <3 Jj

We aren't in the same location. But Imoutochan, the One who loves you best gives even better hugs. Rest against Him right now. Just breathe, or cry if you need to. ^_^ He'll hold you close and rock you gently.

Unknown said...

I've tried. I've listened to good music. I've read Psalms. Shoot! I even went to two church services today! But I need help getting Sparky gone and he ain't going without anyone taking the time to help him leave. I've tried to get him to leave on my own! >.< I have! And I don't care if you don't beleive me, because I have tried my hardest and I don't know how to proove that to you. Last night I had the worst nightmare I have ever had. I AM NOT going to sleep tonight.

not4myself said...

I believe you, dear heart. I believe you. And I'm praying for you. What is it you're hoping someone can do to help?

not4myself said...

Call the purple monkey. Seriously. ^_^

Unknown said...

If she was online I would talk to her. But I don't know how much she could help me anyway. What Sparky likes to use against me I don't know that she could fight. *shrugs*

not4myself said...

What does Sparky like to use against you, my friend?

Unknown said...

I tried to teach Mr. Piggy how to exercise demons out of a house since he's the next man in charge... but it didn't work. I think his voice box is broke. :(

Unknown said...

He like to use what I love. The people I love. God. What use is it to use something your subject doesn't care about?

not4myself said...

I'm chuckling at the image of your stuffed animal; but I also know you're very beleaguered right now. It isn't funny, is it, Imoutochan? :-( I'm sorry.

What lies about your loved ones does he use?

Unknown said...

Actually, I meant it to be funny. I thought I might need to redeem my crappy attitude a little bit. :P

Like that they don't care about me. That I'm not important to them. That other things are way more important than me, whether it's their time, things they do or their friends. That they think I'm annoying. That I'm just a side show freak. That they might leave me. That I'm not helping them and they would be better off without me. He uses the same things with God. That He can't love me and he hates me. So on.. and so forth...

not4myself said...

Imoutochan, perhaps this will not help, but I wanted to mention this at some point anyway:
I know there are others with whom you wished to conververse tonight. I know that isn't happening like you'd hoped. But dear heart, if you were conversing with those friends, you and I would most likely not be having this exchange. ^_^ I've been thanking God for allowing me the privilege of "spending time" with you this evening. Perhaps He wanted to give you or show you something by way of permitting this conversation. I know it has blessed me. Hopefully you are edified as well. Thank you for the gift of sharing your time and thoughts, Imoutochan. <3 Jj

not4myself said...

(And yes, it was very cute. ^_^)

Unknown said...

But I'm bringing you down and it's making me sad. You know I love talking to you! (And I wasn't refering to like, just tonight, but the whole last week. :P)(It's been bad for days.)

Unknown said...

Can I ask you a medical question?

Unknown said...

Talking to me when I'm like this can't be edifying to you in the least.

not4myself said...

^_^ Dear heart, talking to friends no matter what their mood is a joy. I count it a gift and a privilege to walk with you.

I can't give you a good explaination for why we sometimes seem to face circumstances all alone. I don't know the Lord's reason for allowing solitary battles against overwhelming opponents. There have been times where I begged Him to send others to fight alongside me...but nothing changed--at least in my eyes. I don't know why this happens, my friend. But I can promise you that God is Good, that He loves you beyond the scope of words, and that He is indeed protecting you, even when it doesn't appear that way. <3

not4myself said...

You're welcome to ask me a medical question. I may not know the answer.

Unknown said...

Jj, sometimes you face circumstances because of humans not God. God is not behind every bush nor is a demon.

Unknown said...

This may sound dumb, but it's really bugging me. You know I got my ear peirced again back in like... July I think and it still hurts really bad if you touch it. It's not infected, at least that you can tell on the surface. So I'm not sure what is going on. I'm debating actually just pulling out and letting it grow back yet again it bugs me so bad.

not4myself said...

I'm told that those piercings can often take a very long time to heal. Even though nothing looks infected, I would suggest swabbing it clean every other day just to keep it that way. Or, like you said, you could just let it close up. Either one would work just fine.

Unknown said...

Okay. =/ It just didn't take near this long last time, so I just wondered.

Unknown said...

Umm... I don't know. I'll let you know. I will either get agressive or start crying so maybe we should stick with happy thoughts. :D I hate it when my girl shows. 9_9 By the way, lately even when I've had on a heavy coat and a hat on people have still called me a girl. What's up with that? I'm no different than I was 5 months ago.

not4myself said...

^_^ I think it's great when your girly nature shows. Reflecting upon the last five or six month, Imoutochan, would you say that you've changed mentally and emotionally?

Unknown said...

Yes... *pouty face* I'm more girly. Like a broken horse. -.-

not4myself said...

O_O "Like a broken horse"? What does that mean?

Unknown said...

Like a wild horse that gets caught and taken to the ranch and gets broken in. Hey! Like Spirit... I haven't seen that movie since it came out...

not4myself said...

*laughing* You are a mess, my friend! ^_^

Unknown said...

*hypothetically hysterically crying* I'm sorry. Sleep deprivation messes with me!

not4myself said...

Perhaps this is a mistaken notion, Imoutochan, but, if anything, I believe that the change you can see--the increased "girly-ness"--indicates that you are LESS broken in, rather than more so. There is a healthy kind of wild, wind-blown freedom in being feminine. ^_^ And I think others can see it in you.

Unknown said...

It was a flippant connection Jj. More just the idea that I got caught by a gaggle of girls and got beautified. :P

not4myself said...

But there is truth, even if you intended it as a joke. ^_^ I'm sure you're growing into a beautiful woman. And I trust that the Lord will continue revealing the beauty He stored within you long ago. He wants others to see that beauty, my friend. Slowly, gently, He's bringing to the surface what has always been there. Your value in the eyes of your Abba will never be anything short of gloriously beautiful, dear heart. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

I'm sure you're growing into a beautiful woman? Opposed to what? A beautiful man? :o Don't hit me. Please don't hit me. ;) *waves white flag*

not4myself said...

-_- I think I'm not the only one who's a bit tired... ^_~ Okay. I won't hit you. This time. Just make sure you accept the compliment inside, even if you still feel the need to be outwardly flippant about it. (I know that takes a long time to get past.)

Unknown said...

Really Jj, thank you for the compliment.

Unknown said...

Love you Jj. Goodnight.

not4myself said...

Goodnight, Imoutochan. I'm praying that you will feel the Lord's presence tonight as you rest in His arms. But I *know* that you'll be resting in His arms either way. Hang in there, my friend! <3

Unknown said...

Thanks. :)

Unknown said...

Woh Jj... my ears just did something weird. Everything got really loud and I could hear everything that was going on. Like I can hear the washer going in the basement and the ceiling fan in the next room... O.o Weird. Cool, but actually it kinda hurts.

I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep.

Unknown said...

Ewww... I'm gonna have to take another shower! :P Sick! I'm sweating so bad I smell horrible and am soaked. *gag* I think I got a fever. =/

not4myself said...

:-( I'm sorry, Imoutochan. Hopefully you managed to get some sleep without nightmares.

Unknown said...

I'm sorry I fail all the time. And I'm sorry I was snippy. :( I'm just in a bad mood. Please don't be sad. :'( I'm sorry if I made you mad at me.

not4myself said...

Should we call it even, then? ^_^

Unknown said...

What? I got lost between posts. :P

not4myself said...

Let's just say we both botched this one in one way or another. So we can stop makiing each other sad now. How does that sound? <3

Unknown said...

No, we're not even. I've done everything wrong. You may or may not have been wrong and I have been plain wrong about everything.

not4myself said...

So why is it that we aren't even?

Unknown said...

Because I'm a bad kid and a bad Christian and a very very bad MeiMei! That's why. I can't never get it right. I'm always doing things wrong and getting in trouble and letting people down. You just mess up a little everyone once in a long while.

not4myself said...

Can I share a secret with you? I mess up a lot. And I will never be perfect either. ^_^ Don't let the enemy give you a guilt trip, dear heart. No matter who it is, every human being except Jesus has plenty of reasons to worship God for making up what he/she lacks. Turn your sorrow into worship, not condemnation. Okay? <3 Jj

Unknown said...

I don't know that I can right now Jj.

not4myself said...

^_^ It's a "practice" thing, Imoutochan, not a "get it right or go home" thing. Just hang in there, my friend. How can I be praying with you rght now? How are you doing?

Unknown said...

Umm... what part of how I'm doing? O.o I thought we was kinda covering it.

Unknown said...

You can always pray for Sparky to go away! :P And that I would stay calmed down. And that I wouldn't have dreams.

not4myself said...

If we are, that's fine. I just wanted to offer--in case there was something else on your mind.

Unknown said...

No, this is pretty much how I'm doing. =/ The only other part is physical stuff, but that's not very important.

not4myself said...

Yes, I'm certainly praying for those things. :-( I'm very proud of you for trying so hard, dear heart. ^_^

Unknown said...

But I haven't been able to do as good of a hob lately, because Sparky has been more around than he does. You shouldn't be proud.. :(

not4myself said...

Imoutochan. The Lord loves me and I don't deserve it. I can be proud of you regardless of whether or not you believe you deserve it. True, we can always do better. ButI know you're trying. Moreover, I can definitely see progress. ^_^ You're doing just fine, my friend. Just keep pressing in. He'll take care of the rest. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

*pouty sigh* You're making me feel mushy and I'm mad at myself!

not4myself said...

*chuckling* I'm not sur how those two go together, but it's cute anyway. ^_^ Stop being mad at yourself. Stick to feeling "mushy" and "girly." Hee-hee-hee! ^_~

I'll be praying for you tonight, Imoutochan. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

That was not funny Jj. Not funny at all... *mumble mutter* That was about as funny and walking in my room when I got home to find Shugga hanging from my blind cords and Mr. Piggy propped up on a pillow holding the end of the cords.

not4myself said...

^_^

Unknown said...

Jj you can pray for me today. I didn't sleep at all last night and I should have been able to. That means, apart from the dream time I had the other night it's been a long time since good sleep. Also... I'm in EXTREME pain from ball last night.

not4myself said...

:-( I'm praying. Keep me updated somehow, okay? Hang in there, my friend.

Unknown said...

Goodnight Jj. <3

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
not4myself said...

^_^ I hope you're hanging in there, my friend. Keep pressing in. I'm praying for you. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

Thanks Jj. <3

not4myself said...

You're very welcome, dear heart.

not4myself said...

So tell me: are you staying out of trouble? ^_~

Unknown said...

Hehehe :) No.

not4myself said...

^_^ Good. I'm happy to hear it.

Unknown said...

(Did you see your inbox? :( )

not4myself said...

So, how are you doing?

Unknown said...

I am tired. I'm basically one giganto sigh. I'm ready for April to be here. And home and school stuff has me a little high-strung. I need to do something fun! >.< I hope basketball isn't cancelled tomorrow night. Apart from that I'm kinda excited I get to do another quilt. :D This one is for college. My blue one needs to stay home so I have blanket when I come home. :P But! I get to make this one fun with lots of jungle animale munching on leaves and baby dinosours! I get to go get fabric soon. So, that's something in the near future I am looking forward to that I know will happen. :P And I got an inhaler today. Aaaaannnd... yeah. I'm worn out and high-strung. I wrote Panda a whole report on Jews and gentiles you'll have to ask her to read. =/ (Yup, some Sparky)

How are you?

not4myself said...

Well, thank God for happy, care-free things like the prospect of milestones and new quilting projects. ^_^ I'm all for that, too.

Unknown said...

I suppose...

not4myself said...

As for the 'sigh' portion, would you like to share more about that? If not, that's fine; I'm praying with you either way. As Paul says in Hebrews 11, let's keep pressing in: toward the "city with permanent foundations, of which the architect and builder is God" (v. 10). <3 Jj

Unknown said...

I don't know how much there is to tell. I'm just tired. My hormones aren't exactly where they should be. :P *cough cough* And I'm just ready to be at the end of school. Like the monday of servant safari and on. And I'm just feeling a little stressed and I really shouldn't be. I don't know. I can't really explain it. I go back to one of the first things I said. :P

not4myself said...

And to answer you question, I'm doing well. I'm continuing to wait for the Lord's timing in many areas. One of those would be my own career; another would be my family members. I'm also anticipating His timing in other areas, too. For instance, there are several individuals for whom I have a heavy urgency to pray. I really want to spend one day next week doing nothing but laying these friends and comparative (or total) strangers before the throne of the Most High, seeking His face, interceding. I'm eagerly awaiting His clear answer as to what day will be "our" day. I will most definitely be seeking Him on your behalf throughout that day, Imoutochan. <3 Jj

not4myself said...

I wish I could give you a hug, dear one. Hang in there.

Unknown said...

That scares me...

not4myself said...

o.O Hugs scare you?

Unknown said...

No, I don't wanna have anything else happen Jj! I don't wanna! :'( I have enough things to deal with. It's not fair!

not4myself said...

"It's not fair"? What do you mean, dear heart?

Unknown said...

I'm tired of stuff happening! I don't wanna have any new stuff!

not4myself said...

Imoutochan, I know you believe the Lord loves you. He's got this whole mess completely under control. So don't worry, my friend. Prayer doesn't always mean "new stuff." Or, it could also mean "new stuff" that's good rather than bad. Just keep hanging in there. Just rest in His arms tonight, dear heart. Just rest and trust. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

But you don't have to pray heavy for good stuff! *bottom lip quivers*

not4myself said...

In situations of heavy warfare? Yes, sometimes you do. Because the good stuff is exactly what the enemy wants to prevent from reaching you. ^_^ Sometimes God calls us to war for others because He loves them sooo much.

You know you are loved, right? Don't ever forget that, Imoutochan.

Unknown said...

Sometimes I do Jj... sometimes I do.

not4myself said...

Well hear and believe it right now:
You. Are. Precious.
You. Are. Loved.

not4myself said...

And the Lord, the One who loves you best and protects you always, has a great many good things set aside specifically for you. Just hang in there. Good stuff has already come; and good stuff--even better and more abundant 'good stuff'--will continue to come. ^_^ I promise.

Unknown said...

Sigh, do you just think this because he does it in general or do you "know it"?

Unknown said...

(Sorry, done asking questions. Promise.) Hey, and make sure you're safe on the roads!

not4myself said...

Both. Yes, Imoutochan, I am absolutely certain of it. ^_^ After all, He's continuing to heal you, right? Don't ever believe the lie that He does not love you. I'm praying with you, my friend. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

One last quick question: Did he tell you that's what I was beleiving?

Unknown said...

Goodnight Jj. Stay warm and stay safe. <3 iMoutochaM ;)

not4myself said...

I felt urged to stress that point. That's all I know.

He loves you dearly. I love you, too. I'm proud of you; and I'm praying for you. Rest well in the arms of Jesus tonight, my friend. <3

not4myself said...

*-* Thanks, dear heart. I will. You too!

Unknown said...

You too Jj. Night. <3 Thanks.

Unknown said...

Have I ever told you that I hate nightmares and I hate pain?

not4myself said...

:-( Praying for you tonight...for several reasons. I really, really hope you're able to rest mentally and physically tonight, dear heart. Jesus is right there; and He truly has Good for you. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

No, he left.

not4myself said...

You don't really believe that, do you?

Unknown said...

I did last night.
Today... I don't know.

not4myself said...

What's causing you to be uncertain right now, Imoutochan?

*hug* Are you making sure to tell Him about your confusion?

Unknown said...

No, we're not speaking right now.

not4myself said...

I'm sorry to hear that, but I trust that you'll be on speaking terms again.
Would you like to tell me?

Unknown said...

And how do you know?

not4myself said...

I don't know, dear heart. I said I'm trusting. ^_^ Moreover, I love you and I'm praying for you.

Unknown said...

UM... OKAY.

Unknown said...

SO ARE YOU MAD AT ME TOO?

not4myself said...

Not at all, Imoutochan. Have I done or said something to give you that impression? <3

Unknown said...

NO, BUT PANDA IS SO I WONDERED AND YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING.

Unknown said...

JJ.

not4myself said...

^_^ Nope. I'm not mad. I'm very sad: I wish you could rest physically and emotionally. I know you're weary in every possible way...and that weariness factors into all aspects of life. I want you to be able to feel the Lord cradling you to Himself and saying, "Just rest, baby. It's okay. Just leave it all in my hands and rest." I'm praying that for you, dear heart. I cannot give you a hug, but Jesus has that covered. <3

Unknown said...

WELL, HE'S NOT SAYING THAT OR ANYTHING AND I HIGHLY DOUBT HE'S DOING ANYTHING OF THE SORT.

not4myself said...

^_^ But I don't.

Unknown said...

YES, WELL... THAT DOESN'T HELP ME. IT'S WORTHLESS IF YOU CAN'T HEAR HIM OR FEEL IT. THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO POINT! IF HE WANTS TO LEAVE ME THIS WAY FINE. BUT HE HAS NO RIGHT TO GET UPSET WITH ME, BECAUSE HE WON'T HELP ME OR TALK TO ME.

not4myself said...

Imoutochan, why do you believe the Lord is upset with you?

Unknown said...

I don't beleive he is neccessarily upset with me. I just beleive he doesn't care enough to help me. I'm not one of his favorites. I'm just around to do stuff for him.

not4myself said...

Hmm. I suppose that's possible. But by the same token, the same might be said about me. Right? I'm just around to do stuff for Him...

Do you believe that sentiment is true in my case? Because I certainly do no believe it to be true in yours. Yes, we are vessels. But, dear heart, we serve such a powerful God! He doesn't need you or me. He uses us because He delights in relationship with us. You are His favorite; I am His favorite, too.

Unknown said...

Mmm... no we're not Jj. His jews are his favorite. We're just here to rescue them back for him. The only reason why we received salvation is because his favorite little kids were bad. So, he saved us so he get them back.

Unknown said...

ITS ALL OVER Romans ABOUT HOW WE NEED TO THANK THEM. AND HOW WE ONLY GOT GRAFTED IN BECAUSE OF THEM. AND HOW THEY HAD TO SHARE THEIR INHERITENCE AND BLESSING WITH US SO WE NEED TO SHARE OUR GOODS WITH THEM. AND HOW THEY ARE GOD'S CHOSEN PEOPLE. He doesn't care about us Jj. He cares about his beloved favorites.

not4myself said...

I'm afraid I cannot agree with you on that one, my friend. There are too many references in the Old Testament alone which clearly indicate that the Hebrew nation will be/has been used to reach the rest of us. He loves the whole of His creation, not just the portion chosen to bring forth the Messiah. ^_^ It's not a case of who is more useful, or who is more special or loved. It's a case of being fully useful in the manner I am called to be, and remembering that I am fully loved, fully forgive, fully special. I belong to the Most High God, for the sake of His glory. In that knowledge, I can be secure of my place.

Don't worry, dear heart. And don't allow your mind to be trapped in despair. He IS with you; He DOES love you; and He WILL sustain you. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

He chose them because they were his favorite. Because we weren't good enough.

Unknown said...

(So does this mean its bedtime?)

not4myself said...

Imoutochan, I think those directives contain the desire to prevent divisions--that advice was an effort to prevent "us" and "them" attitudes within the Body of Christ regarding those still clinging to the Old Covenant alone. I'll reread the book; then I would love to have a discussion of this topic with you. Sound okay?

Unknown said...

Yeah, and if we are so equal then why didn't God offer salvation to everyone from the start huh? He did now, but that was just because the Jews disobeyed. He offered salvation to the gentiles only after his people left him.

not4myself said...

Oh, dear one, the children of Abraham weren't good enough either. Does the Lord EVER choose someone based upon his or her merit? We are ALL tainted, broken. No one is righteous, not one. Do not allow condemnation to convince you that you are a lesser daughter of the King. You are not second-rate, my friend. ^_^ And I'm proud of you that you keep going--especially on nights like this when you just want to give up. <3

not4myself said...

Is God fickle, Imoutochan? Does He get His feelings hurt and suddenly change His mind and plans? No, dear heart. We do not serve that kind of God. As I said before, you are not second-rate. Not as a sister; not as a believer; not as a lot of things.

Unknown said...

You know what, if God doesn't want to help me, whatever. All he has to do is talk to me. All he has to do is let me know he's still breathing. But he can't even do that for me. He puts me through me hell and won't even help me out a little in my situation here. "Excuse me, I'm down here in need of some help. I think you hate me! Hello? Are you going to help me out here? *Silence* *Holds arms up and lets them flop to the side* See?

Unknown said...

If God was concerned about helping me. If he was concerned that I know that he loves me. He would help me out on nights like these. He doesn't care whether I know it or not or whether I am beleiving lies or not. You don't have to trust that God loves you to get into Heaven. You just beleive he is God and that you are sinner.

not4myself said...

*hug*
I'm sorry, my friend. I cannot fix the oppression and apparent silence. But I can walk through it with you. I know that doesn't make things any better, but I'm here. And, perhaps this is making claims I have no right to make, but I believe I can say that me, and other friends, walking through this alongside you IS God answering. It's just different than the response we'd like sometimes, isn't it? *hug* I know I'm not much help, but the One we serve together certainly makes up the difference. And in the moments when it seems impossible to believe and trust, please allow me to believe and trust with you. Lean on those who love you, and hear the Lord speaking through them, dear heart. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

He's done it before he can do it now. It gets worse, the farther away he gets and the more silent he becomes. I Need To Hear Him. I love you guys and you help me a lot, but it's not fair or right for him to just dump me on you guys and say "well, they have it under control, I don't have to do anything."

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