2.03.2010

That Which the Locust Has Eaten

~The Emporer’s Old Clothes—Part C~

So there I stood: rebelliously freed from my old garment with no replacement garments in sight.

My dear reader, hopefully you are seeking the Lord faithfully enough that He has confronted you with the Truth about some area of your life. If so, I’m sure you can relate to my dilemma in that moment of Truth: realization brought the strong temptation to panic. Instead of waiting quietly before the One who obviously had everything under control, the One who had revealed this lie to me in the first place—instead of asking, “Lord, now that you’ve shown me the Truth, what should I do about this garment? How do you want to fix my problem?”—instead of keeping my eyes and mind focused upon Him, I gave in to the frantic wish to be free of my robe immediately. I had not waited for the Lord, had not sought His solution.

Because of my own haste, I was naked. Completely exposed.

The Lord’s second “knot jerking” session—a far more extensive operation than bringing me to salvation—was under way.

I did not possess the capability of creating my own ideal. I had no concept of how to look like, act like, or dress like “Me.” I discovered that I did not know how to have an opinion; in fact, I did not really know how to think for myself. But I had long believed that I should not ask for help—I would only be a burden, an annoyance. So I could not reason or develop my own thoughts…but would not make any requests of classmates or professors to teach me how. Clearly, this was a recipe for disaster. And because of my own panic, I was still emotionally naked: I had no identity.

So, did I cry out to the Lord, admitting my inability to handle the situation? No. As I mentioned before, I had long believed that I should not burden another with my problems or apparent failure to measure up. Jesus, my Savior and Lord, was not exempt from my prideful fear of being a bother. How arrogant and blind can my human heart possibly be?

* * *

“Here is my servant, whom I support, my chosen one, in whom I take pleasure. I have put my Spirit upon him; he will bring justice to the Goyim. He will not...snap off a broken reed or snuff out a smoldering wick....Thus says God, Adonai, who...gives breath to the people on [the earth] and spirit to those who walk on it: 'I, Adonai, call you[, my servant,] righteously, I took hold of you by the hand, I shaped you and made you a covenant for the people, to be a light for the [gentiles], so that you can open blind eyes, free the prisoners from confinement, those living in darkness from the dungeon. I am Adonai; that is my name; I yield my glory to no one else….The blind I will lead on a road they don't know, on roads they don't know I will lead them; I will turn darkness to light before them, and straighten their twisted paths. These are things I will do without fail....Listen, you deaf! Look, you blind!—So that you will see! Who is as blind as my servant, or as deaf as the messenger I send? Who is as blind as the one I rewarded, as blind as the servant of Adonai?’

“You see much but don’t pay attention; you open your ears, but you don’t listen. Adonai was pleased, for his righteousness’ sake, to make the Torah great and glorious. But this is a people pillaged and plundered, all trapped in holes and sequestered in prisons. They are there to be plundered, with no one to rescue them; there to be pillaged, and no one says, ‘Return them!’…But now this is what Adonai says, he who created you…he who formed you…‘Don’t be afraid, for I have redeemed you; I am calling you by your name; you are mine. When you pass through water, I will be with you; when you pass through rivers, they will not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire, you will not be scorched—the flame will not burn you….Bring my sons from far away, and my daughters from the ends of the earth, everyone who bears my name, whom I created for my glory—I formed him, yes, I made him.’

“Bring forward the people who are blind but have eyes, also the deaf who have ears."

~Isaiah 42-43:8~

* * *

I love the ninth chapter of John. In the first seven verses alone, the Lord provides such a wealth of reasons to praise Him! Like the blind beggar, Jesus chooses us out for healing--without our asking, and often without our even realizing the need or possibility of healing exists. He blinds us in order to give us sight. And He orders us to move: calling us to participate, to "own" our new growth and freedom. I don't know about you, but I regularly find myself feeling very, very spoiled by how generous the righteous, pure, holy Most High God is with His time and resources--toward me! I am chosen… redeemed… protected… loved. Even when I do not acknowledge my own need for His attention and healing.

In the midst of my nakedness, my blind panic and deaf rebellion, Jesus chose me. He blinded me. He called me to move forward in faith. And as I did so, He began to give me sight.

[final version of Part C--begun in 2009. Part D will follow soon!]

376 comments:

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not4myself said...

Yes?

not4myself said...

I had a wonderful afternoon and evening yesterday, discussing that crazy thing called 'Life' with loved ones. How are you doing, my friend?

Unknown said...

I just wish you would have been in better health. I'm sure it made your loved on sad to see you hurting. :(

I'm concerned about a test I have to take this morning and have only 45 minutes to study for. It could be the difference between an A and B+. Please pray for me Jj!

not4myself said...

I'll be praying for you! ^_^

Unknown said...

Thank you. I need them at the moment. O.o *crazed look*

not4myself said...

Why? Did your test go badly? Or is it something else?

Unknown said...

No, I got a 100. I came home early because I've been and am so sick. But somewhere along the line it was decided that we were working on my picture board, because my mom is one of those types of people who has everything started or at least planned in advance. So, it's just been hectic, because we were and are still in the middle of working on that and some pictures are missing and yeah... I'm sick and tired and in extreme amounts of pain. It is definitely as bad as it used to be... at least. :( But anyway, it hasn't been a bad day, just a very painful and busy one. :P Me and mom got to spend time together though, so it's okay I didn't get a nap like I should have.

not4myself said...

Well congratulations on the test score! I'm sorry you're in a great deal of pain :/ but I'm glad you and your mother enjoyed some time together. Hopefully you will be able to sleep (and rest) tonight. <3

What is on your ind and heart these days, my friend?

Unknown said...

Not much and it's great! :) I get a week of rest. ^_^

not4myself said...

^_^ Isn't God so good!

Unknown said...

Yup. :)

not4myself said...

"Then the word of Adonai came to [Elijah]; he said to him, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'
"[The Lord] said, 'Go outside, and stand on the mountain before Adonai'; and right then and there Adonai went past. A mighty blast of wind tore the mountains apart and broke the rocks in pieces before Adonai, but Adonai was not in the wind. After the wind came an earthquake, but Adonai was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake, fire broke out; but Adonai was not in the fire. And after the fire came a quiet, subdued voice. When Elijah heard it, he covered his face with his cloak, stepped out and stood at the entrance to the cave. Then a voice came to him and said, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'"

There's a voice more elemental than fire, more terrible than ripping winds or raging earth. There is a quiet, subdued voice. And it asks each of us, "What are you doing here?"

What is the question of your heart, the fear of your mind, the longing of your soul? What are you doing here? Tell Him what you think the answer is; then listen as He whispers back the true answer. <3

Unknown said...

Actually... I think I'll wait till after lunch...

Unknown said...

Jj... :(

Unknown said...

My week is over. :'( I feel all yucky again and nothing even happened to make me like that. I've tried really hard not to be today too! I feel all oppressed again. :'( I don't want my week to be over!!

not4myself said...

Oh, dear heart, I'm so sorry. If you can, at least write yourself a note of what this past week felt like--what that freedom felt like--and stick it somewhere to remind yourself. It will come again. It will. <3
Make sure you've got some worship music playing, my friend.

not4myself said...

And just remember when the lies hit: this is not a punishment, or an indication of any failing on your part. Both times of Rest and times of struggle are equally the gifts of Him who loves you best and protects you always. I'm back in the trenches, too. Let's keep pressing in, my friend. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

Did you get a rest too?
But what if it never comes again? :(

not4myself said...

^_^ It will definitely come again, dear heart. Because God is Good like that. So don't worry. Just keep pressing in, and praising Him. <3 Jj I'm proud of you.

not4myself said...

I got a little rest. ^_^ God is Good.

Unknown said...

It's still not really bad, though at least.
Does that mean you're stronger than me, so you don't get as big of a break?

not4myself said...

I'm very glad to hear that! ^_^ Thank you, God.

No, it simply means that I'm on a different schedule: He doesn't pretend that you and I are the same person, so He does not conduct His relationships with us as if such an idea were true.

not4myself said...

How are you doing physically, my friend? And how are relationships right now?

not4myself said...

~Random News of the Day~
I just finished writing my very first resignation letter. O_O Here goes a biiiig, scaaary step of obedience. In just a few short hours, the two-week countdown will begin...

Here is the opening topic of my spring update letter to friends and family:
When the red of Valentine’s Day fades from supermarket shelves and florist windows and cubicle desks, I begin to grow nervous. By the Ides of March, I find myself feeling queasy each time I enter the grocery store. This discomfort of mind and stomach builds and builds and builds without relief. But eventually Easter is safely behind me for another year.

I have a confession to make: Peeps freak me out.

Seriously. It’s not as if jelly beans or Cadbury Eggs are substances that could be termed “normal;” but there is something ominous about Peeps. Stamp out semi-stale marshmallows in the shapes of bunnies and chicks. Coat them with low-grade, electric-colored sugar crystals. Then give them eyes. Who thought this was a good idea?!

And I am supposed to eat them? Those neon yellow bunnies and fluorescent pink chicks all gaze with the same expression: one which clearly conveys the notion that they want to eat me. Edible things should not stare at me. And edible things especially should not stare like mutant, radioactive zombies.

Unknown said...

Well, I hurt pretty good. I'm exhausted. Dad said I look like a zombie and that I should take a nap today. My stomach hates me. And I had a good fever in church. *shrug* Relationships are okay. There's nothing really new. I've enjoyed spending more time with my mom recently and planning things with her.
In other news, I might be staying home my first year of college if my mom doesn't get a job at IWU. O.o Um, that's kinda scary, but at the same time I think I will be okay. God will give me peace about it if it's the right decision. There just isn't money for me to room and board or even just go to anywhere but Ivy Tech the first year. My parents would like me to be able to stay in a dorm too, but right now it's just not really possible. I was brutally honest with them and I don't think things will be much different if I stay home than if I'm staying in a dorm. I asked about spending the night at my friend's house and my mother remarked that she just doesn't want to see it become an every other week thing and my dad remarked that as long as I keep maturing then he won't have a problem with it. Even if he does he said, he can't tell me what to do and we will have differences. So, I think things will be okay. I skirted around the subject that I have nightmares at home and they said I will have nightmares anywhere I go, so that didn't go very far. But, I know God will provide. And right now if I have to stay home for a year, I know I will be able to do the things I would still do in college and it'll be okay.

not4myself said...

Well I'm proud of you for having what sounds like a very candid, in-depth conversation with your parents. And I'm glad you and your mom are spending some enjoyable time together. ^_^ Yay! It's very true: wherever you end up living and taking classes, you'll still be under the protection of the same powerful, loving God. He's got you covered, my friend. ^_^

And good job continuing to fight the battle for mental Rest. Go get some physical rest, too, if you possibly can. You're doing great; and He's doing great through you, even when you cannot see or feel it. Just keep pressing in, dear heart. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

I just took a nap. *yawn*

not4myself said...

Yay! ^_^

I needed one of those today...

Unknown said...

I feel like I should take another one...

not4myself said...

*head pat*

Unknown said...

Someone's kinda gwumpy because they are worried about a test tomorrow.

not4myself said...

Oh, I see. ^_^ Are grumpy someones playing worship music? and giving hugs to stuffed animals?

Unknown said...

Finishing her job of posting things to ebay?

not4myself said...

Huh?

Unknown said...

I'm finishing my job of posting some things to Ebay. ... That's what I'm doing.

not4myself said...

Sounds llike fun. ^_~ I'm praying for your test.

Unknown said...

You have to leave now? :(

not4myself said...

No. I just wasn't sure what more to say. (I'm fighting grumpiness too. Someone was randomly wide awake until 2am.)

Unknown said...

Aww, I'm sorry. *hug*

not4myself said...

*-* Thanks

Which Family Force Five songs would you classify as 'encouraging'?

Unknown said...

Sorry, family dish washing time in the bathtub.

Um... encouraging? First time. Die-4-You. Maybe...

not4myself said...

o.O Dishwashing...in the bathtub...? Family...? Okay.

Thanks for the suggestions. That helps.

Unknown said...

We have no sink and no dishwasher.

not4myself said...

Was there an explosion? Or just a very large, malicious gerbil?

Unknown said...

A leek in the kitchen and no flooring, therefore nothing on the floor.

not4myself said...

...wow...that's certainly fun. It would probably sound even more fun if you said it was a very large, malicious gerbil. ^_~

not4myself said...

Still grumpy?

I'm listening to Vanilla Twilight.

Unknown said...

Mmm... just tired and restless.
What's Vanilla Twilight?

not4myself said...

Vanilla Twilight is a song by Owl City. ^_^ You'd like it. It makes me miss Jesus...and someone I don't know yet.

not4myself said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JE0HovpAzw

Unknown said...

My wire is off and cutting up my mouth again. >.<

not4myself said...

Aw, sorry. :/

Unknown said...

I get to be all glowy tomorrow. ^_^

not4myself said...

o.O Wanna explain that one?

not4myself said...

I'm praying for your weariness and restlessness, my friend. Just keep seeking to Rest before the Lord. ^_^

Unknown said...

My CAT scan is in the morning.

Unknown said...

Thanks Jj. <3

not4myself said...

Oh, that. ^_^ *laughing* You get to be "glowy," huh? Well good luck!

Unknown said...

Thanks, but I don't really want to talk to my doctor when it's done the next day. He thinks I'm a drug seeker apparently. -_-

not4myself said...

Oh dear. Umm...well...wear a t-shirt bearing some sort of drug-free slogan?

Unknown said...

Find me one by Tuesday and I'll do it. 9_9 It's his fault I need something in the first place! Gr...

not4myself said...

I prescribe worship music, and Rest. The Most High God is in charge of your protection and well-being, dear heart. It's all going to be fine. Just hang in there. *hug*

Unknown said...

*content fuzzy receivence of hug*

not4myself said...

^_^ Good night, my friend. I should try to rest, too.

Unknown said...

Sleep good Jj.

not4myself said...

Thank you. I'm praying the same for you. It's all going to be fine. <3 Jj

not4myself said...

Praying for your head, and the glowy scan of your head, this morning. ^_~ Keep up the good work! <3

Unknown said...

Was today resignation day?

not4myself said...

No, yesterday was Resignation day. Today was Have Two Phone Conversations With My Boss in Which He Did Not Mention My Resignation At All day. (He actually offered me work for tomorrow--which I cannot do.)

Unknown said...

I didn't know if you actually turned it in yesterday though. Speaking of work, you can pray for my mom. There was a missed call on he phone so I called the number back, thinking it might have been the doctor's office. Well, it was IWU wanting an interview. The guy asked if she was still interested and I said "Yes!! When can she come in?!" The guy was a little taken off guard, probably wandering if this person's daughter should be schedualing her appointments. (Mom left her cell phone at home) So, after a humerous exchange she has an interview Wednesday. :)

Right now I'm debating whether to try to take a nap or not. It was a reeeaaally bad day....

not4myself said...

Yay! I'll continue praying.

I'm voting in your debate. I think you know what my vote is. ^_~ *head pat*

Unknown said...

What's your vote? I have a migrain and my head isn't working very well. I had a bad day. Sparky bugged me a lot and I'm grumpy cause I had a super bad night of sleep and I'm really tired. And I've had a migrian and lots of pain all day.
Did God give me a week off to be cruel? Cause if I don't get another week off for a long time now I remember what it feels like and it hurts more. I'd rather not remember what it feels like... but then maybe he just gave me a week off so I didn't quit on Him and then he would have one less person to do work. The flying squerrel said that if you have sparkies it's because you sinned. She said it's all my fault. :( I don't want him. I try hard to listen and keep him away. :'(

not4myself said...

Oh, dear heart, God is not cruel. Nor does He view you as some Life-less instrument. Yes, everything is ultimately for His glory--but not in a callous way. That's not God, my friend. Getting a respite was a gift...and being back in the thick of struggle is also a gift. I'm so sorry for how badly you're hurting, physically and emotionally. But I promise you that God is not cruel. This is not a punishment, or a heartless plan. He loves you deeply; you belong to Him, so despite all appearances, He is protecting you even now. ^_^

I vote that you put on some worship music and try to sleep (and to Rest). ^_^ Thank you for continuing to press in. You're not a failure, my friend. You're not missing the boat. Just keep trusting the One who loves yo best and protects you always. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

It feels like I'm a dissapointment and that I'm missing the boat. =/

I'm gonna lay down now. I'm not gonna put music on cause my head hurts too bad.

not4myself said...

Don't listen to the lies of "feels like" right now, Imoutochan. Just keep trusting in the character you *know* to be true of the Most High God. It'll be okay. ^_^

Unknown said...

It made my head worse. >.<

not4myself said...

:/ *extra-careful head pat* I'm very sorry.

Unknown said...

It made it lots and lots worse. O.o Maybe I need potassium...

not4myself said...

Perhaps. You could always try. Could you eat a banana?

Unknown said...

We don't have any. Low potassium can make you depressed too...

Unknown said...

Eh, never mind. That wouldn't work.

not4myself said...

Why not?

Unknown said...

Rarely is low potassium caused by not getting enough potassium in your diet. However, I don't normally eat potassium rich foods... Anyway, yeah, I don't take water pills or have chronic kidney failure.

not4myself said...

I've known people to have low potassium difficulties without either of those variables present. I'm not suggesting anything; it's just a thought.

Unknown said...

Hmm... *shrug*

Unknown said...

I don't think anyone will ever figure me out. :P

not4myself said...

*laughing*

not4myself said...

Thank goodness God has it all figured out! ^_^ *hug*

Unknown said...

Yes.
Well, I'm not bipolar.

not4myself said...

^_^ That's certainly a positive step toward figuring you out.

I'm praying for you tody, my friend. <3 Jj

not4myself said...

Keep pressing in, my friend. Beleive or not, He is not only sustaining you but also healing you through all of this. ^_^ I'm proud of you for fighting. <3 Jj

not4myself said...

I need prayer...and a nap. (Or perhaps just a very large hammer.^_~) But in the midst of everything occupying my thoughts, I've had the bright spot of making crafts with one of my siblings--two days in a row. *-*

not4myself said...

Thank you. ^_^

not4myself said...

And I apologize. :(

Unknown said...

Frankly, my dear, I feel a lot better now. I'll be okay. I find I bounce better recently. ;)

not4myself said...

:D Like flubber?

Unknown said...

Ooo yeah and I'm green cause I'm sick. :P

not4myself said...

:/ *head pat* I'm praying for you, dear heart. Hang in there.

And thank you for your prayers on my behalf as well. I'm spending time with relatives this weekend; and I just learned this morning that a friend and coworker from my college days died yesterday. I'm also wrestling to continue surrendering my pride...and fighting all the mental battles implicit to such a surrender. Thank you again for your kindness and patience. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

Yeah, I heard. :( I'm sorry. I'm continuing to pray for you. (Which you know is hard for me to do, since I'm horrible at it. So the fact that I'm actually acomplishing should count for smiley. :) )
I'm spending this evening with my mom. Tomorrow is getting spent with a government book... again. I hope this weekend goes well. You can pray for me since I'm going to be alone all weekend. *shrug*
<3

not4myself said...

Thank you, Imoutochan. You've been in my prayers this weekend. ^_^ I hope your time alone was at least a chance to rest before the Lord and praise Him. <3

I'm looking forward to spending time with three friends today. Right now I'm asking the Lord to quiet my mind and heart; I want to fully engage with my friends, not muddle around in my head.

not4myself said...

*-* It was a good day.

Unknown said...

I'm glad. :)

not4myself said...

^_^ Me too. Thanks!

Unknown said...

I hope your day was better than mine. =/

not4myself said...

My day wasn't bad. I'm praying that your days get better, my friend. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

Me too. =/ But I don't have a migrain this morning. How are you?

not4myself said...

Praise God for that! ^_^ How are you doing in other respects? What is on your mind and heart these days, my friend?

I'm looking forward to a day of organization--outward and inward. I want the Lord to continue sorting out my head, as I sort out and tidy up my house. ^_^

The ground has regained its green hue. Violets pool in every hollow--like clusters of indigo dewdrops. Sunlight reflects of the mirror-bright tree trunks, adding luminousity to the morning mist.

Unknown said...

I'm doing okay. I'm a little stressed right now and slightly concerned about future/summer plans. But, just a little. I know God can give me peace when I need it.
You never said much about how you were doing, apart from *what* you were doing.

not4myself said...

^_^ Good, I'm glad to hear it. I'm praying for you. Just keep pressing in, surrendering, and walking forward. You're doing fine, Imoutochan. I'm proud of you!

Unknown said...

Why?

not4myself said...

As for how I'm doing, I am doing well. The Lord is teaching me yet again about trust and patience, about rest and joy. I'm about to leave a job, because the Lord directed me to do so; but I have no idea what sort of provision, what kind of job, He'll put in its place. Also, He's asked me to surrender a couple of dreams to Him--surrender them with the understanding that I may not get them back. But it'll be okay. In this case as well as my job, I know that whatever He gives me in the future will be far better than what I currently hold or know or hope for.

not4myself said...

Why what? Why am I proud of you?

^_^ Because you're growing so beautifully. You're working so hard. You're surrendering again, and again, and again. That's plenty of reason to be proud of you. <3

Unknown said...

I don't feel like I'm surrendering like you say I am... Hmm... what does that mean? How did I change?

not4myself said...

It just means that He's doing a lot of reshaping in your heat and mind--probably far more than you realize at this moment. But the important role you're playing is continuing to *try* to surrender. As long as that's your desire (whether you "feel" like you're succeeding or not) He will honor that desire ten-fold. ^_^ You're doing such a good job. Therefore, I'm proud of you; and I'm praising Him. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

A peanut butter and jelly only will last me 4 hours anymore. =/ My sugar is getting bad.

not4myself said...

I'm sorry about your bloodsugar. You might need to just keep snacks handy at all times. :/ I'm praying for you.

not4myself said...

Try not to worry, dear heart. This isn't a race or a competition. Keep trusting that the One who loves you best and protects you always will safeguard any gift He gives you. Try on focus on pressing in, and loving others to the best of your ability. He's taken care of the rest long ago--and now He's walking you into it. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

I did. I did give it over to him. But there's nothing wrong with asking a straight question regardless and getting a straight answer... I already gave it to him this morning.

not4myself said...

Good for you! I'm proud of you.

And no, there's nothing wrong with asking a straight question. But the queston you seem to be asking is "Is my status in another person's eyes/heart still secure and special--or could the same status be attained by someone else?" If I really care about you, my response should not be an answer to that question; instead I should encourage you to reassess your question and recall where your security truly lies. Does this make sense?

Unknown said...

*hug* I love you lots.

not4myself said...

*-* Thank you.

Unknown said...

Thank you, not me for this afternoon. ;) Guess what! I got to ride my four-wheeler. ^_^ Happiness. I was okay, but only 30 minutes of riding blistered my thumb. That's not bad though. :)

not4myself said...

Hurray! I'm so happy for you! Praise God. I'm continuing to pray for you to feel Rest--a gift from the One who loves you best and protects you always--surrounding you this evening. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

Ugh... I should have went to bed two hours ago. :P >.<

not4myself said...

:/ Probably. *head pat*

not4myself said...

I find myself very tired today, for no obvious reason. I think I'll just Rest in the arms of the Lord for a couple of hours. <3

Unknown said...

Good plan. :)

not4myself said...

^_~ Absolutely. The ultimate cure for weariness and grumpiness.

not4myself said...

How are you doing? And what are you up to these days, my friend?

Unknown said...

I'm physically very worn down and sore and sick.
I played with Jasmine, Raiden, and Saber all night and then will again tonight. :P But it's a chance to show them some love. We played chase around the yard aaaall evening. Saber who is normally extremely shy and won't say a word to anyone opened up and was very clingy and talkative to me. He said he liked me a lot and that I was fun and he cuddled with me. He's 2 and it's so adorable to hear him try to say my name, which I didn't even know he knew. He kept grabbing onto my leg and my hand. Heehee. :) But I definitely got my exercise. :P Ugh.. Last night we opened up my foot in an atempt to find whatever it is and no luck. But I have a huge hole in my foot now. :P

not4myself said...

Hurray! Child therapy. ^_^ All the better when a child receives therapy at the same time. Good for you. And thank You, Jesus. <3 I'm gathering that children really love you. Do you hope to do some sort of work with children in your career? Or do you think you'd ever like to be a mommy?

I'm sorry to hear about your foot. :/

Unknown said...

By the way, I'm glad you got ungrumpied. :) <3

Maybe, pediatrics sometime. Yeah... God kinda put that desire in me of being a mommy, because I was too freaked out to want to do it. It looked too painful and scary. God fixed me up good in that area though. :P

not4myself said...

How did He do that? What have you two discussed? ^_^

Being un-grumpied is nice. (Although, not being tired and grumpy in the first place would be a little nicer. *sigh*)

Unknown said...

I always was afraid to have kids, like freaked out, because it always looked like the most painful thing in the world. It's not that I didn't want kids, but the fear of the pain and just general being young kept me from a real desire to have kids. Well, a couple months ago I admitted to my mom that I had recently all of the sudden had a strong desire to have kids and wondered if it was from hormonal changes or something. She laughed a lot at me and said no. I wasn't and am not in any danger of having one anytime soon, but the desire was strong enough that I was emberrassed to share about it even. I wondered if there was something really wrong with me. Recently I had a dream that there was a little boy that was an outcast and didn't have anyone and I was out roaming the coutryside and found him. I didn't understand how anyone could not love him; he was so precious and sweet. I knew if I took him home I would be in trouble, but I did anyway. The few cousins that ran into him paid no mind to him to my suprise. I knew something bad would happen if he was found. But I knew I knew after a while I had to take him away from my family. I decided though that I was going to care for him, because I loved him so deeply I couldn't just let him go out on his own. So we ventured back to where I found him. And I woke up. It probably doesn't mean anything, but the feelings I felt toward him were real. *shrug* Yeah, I want to have kids someday. I want to have that feeling. But, I also like being alone and being single. So, I'm content either way.

not4myself said...

Good for you. ^_^ I'm glad the Lord has given you this desire; I'm also glad that you're surrendering this desire back to Him. Good job!

Unknown said...

Love you Jj. <3 Hope you have a good day! :)

not4myself said...

Thank you, dear heart. *-* The same from me to you!

not4myself said...

Well, this has been quite a long, stressful day. Thank You, God, that you are still Good.

Unknown said...

What did you do? Or, what happened?

not4myself said...

I'm attempting to finish a consultant-type assignment for an organization...but no one received the most important round of emails I sent over three weeks ago. So, no one has the information I need, which means I will be finishing my job at least one week late. *sigh* Realistically, it's not a big deal since I'm on their time and their dime. But it was a rather unpleasant set of discoveries over the course of this afternoon.

Unknown said...

But they're okay it's going to be a week late?

not4myself said...

Since it's *their* ridiculous firewall or spam filter causing the problems, yes. ^_^ Fortunately, this is an organization of very kind people. (And I'll still have their job done sooner and more in-depth than it has been done in years past.)

not4myself said...

How are you doing right now, my friend?

Unknown said...

Yes, it's frustrating, but you shouldn't be stressing out about. You have an extension; it's not your fault. You just said it will be done better than it has in a long time even still. Calm down and relax a minute. :)

Unknown said...

What part of me?

not4myself said...

I'm on my way "down" from my previous stress level. I'll get there. ^_~ And thank you. I appreciate the reminder.

not4myself said...

Um...hopefully the alive-and-breathing-and-sweet part. ^_^

Unknown said...

Well, that part of me is alive, breathing, and sweet.

not4myself said...

^_^ Naturally. Anything further to report, dear heart?

Unknown said...

About what?

Unknown said...

You pick.

not4myself said...

:( Because you're grumpy, or because you're fuzzy?

I'm betting your stomache is throwing fits and your head is pounding. :/ Emotionally, are you unhappy or anxious about something?

How are you and Jesus doing? Keep pressing in. Trust, Rest, cling to what you know is True especially when it doesn't "feel" true. <3

Unknown said...

Because I don't know what you want to hear or not hear. Because I'm too tired to make a general decision like that. No, I'm not grumpy.
My stomach has been throwing a fit for the last 5 days. Physically I'm a lot worse and steadily declining. Mentally, I'm just tired. I haven't slept. I'm very up and down since yesterday, but never "black." Me and Jesus are okay. I've been filling my head with my new cds.

not4myself said...

Oh yeah? What new CDs? (And I'm happy to hear that. I'm very proud of you.)

I know you're tired, dear heart. I'm so sorry. And I'm praying for you physically. Hang in there, okay? You'll make it through this. You will. Jj <3

Unknown said...

Jeremy Camp's new Live cd. It's got all the good songs on one cd. ;) And Sanctus Real's new cd. I made you guys a copy of them. It can be my second copy. (It's legal)

I've been meaning to ask you for two months now and I keep remembering and forgetting to ask. You know way back in that dinosour age and you told me something you struggle/ed with? Well, I've never asked you this, but how are you doing with that (if you don't mind me asking)?

Jeeze... I went back and read some old conversations I had (from June) and I have to say, I sound like I'm 10. O.o Please tell me I sound a little older than I did... Ugh, yuck. How did you not pull your hair out? O.O I sound... really little and immature and all sorts of other junk. (Not that I'm not now. Maybe if I wait 6 months and re-read this I'll feel the same way. O.o I hope not.)

not4myself said...

^_^ It's called "growing," Imoutochan. Hopefully I sound at lease a tiny bit more mature than last June as well. Just keep pressing in, trusting and seeking Rest, dear heart. It gets better and better. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

"If a ruler's anger rises against you, do not leave your post; calmness can lay great errors to rest." You're good at this. :)

not4myself said...

^_^ I'm not sure that's true, but thank you very much.

The Lord woke me up around 2:30 and said, "Spend some time with me." So I spent about an hour reflecting on 1Corinthians 13--specifically what my love for the Lord looks like.

not4myself said...

How are you today, my friend?

Unknown said...

Um, stressed, hurt, and in pain. :P But okay, really. I asked Jesus to take over my attitude so I don't have a bad one.

not4myself said...

Atta girl. ^_^

Hang in there. Keep the worship musin going, too, if your head can stand it. <3

not4myself said...

I'm lifting your concerns up to the Lord this morning. <3

Unknown said...

Thank you. :)

not4myself said...

^_^ My goodness, it's certainly been a long, busy week. I realy ought to be doing dishes right now...in fact, I'd love to do that very thing...but I'm not sure I'll overcome a painful hand and actually accomplish the task this evening. Gives me something to look forward to finishing tomorrow, though. ^_^

Unknown said...

Don't make any cookies if your hand hurts too bad tomorrow. Well... I'm a little less sore now. :P But I have pinched nerve in my thumb; so I can't touch it at the joint. Maybe it will feel better tomorrow.
You can pray I don't worry about next week. :P

not4myself said...

I will certainly be praying about that; in fact I already am. ^_^

not4myself said...

I would just like to mention again that I reeeaally like "Wake Me" by Tal&Acacia

Unknown said...

I will have to look it up. :)
Thanks for the prayers; I need them. :P

not4myself said...

*head pat* Hang in there, my friend. *hug* <3

Unknown said...

I have lots of laundry to do tomorrow. :P

not4myself said...

Yummy. :/ (That's probably my very least-favorite chore.)

I'll be making jewelry and baking tomorrow. ^_^ Oh yeah, and washing dishes.

Unknown said...

It's so cold in my room! >.<

The scholarly racoon reduced my worries after an email I sent him earlier this evening. :)

Ugh. I am exhausted. I'm going to try to sleep. Hopefully you're already in bed.

not4myself said...

^_^ I'm glad to hear it. And I ope you were able to rest and sleep. <3 Jj

Unknown said...

Do you remember when you and the monkey were hanging out and some stuff happened and I told you some things. We never talked about it and all you ever said was sorry? But we never talked about any of it in general? And I said I would be fine? Well... I'm not. When I get this sick, it all comes back and it's hard to fight anything when I have nothing to fight it with. Because we never talk about anything.

not4myself said...

I would like to say again how proud I am of you for persevering through the pain and lies day after day after day. I'm sure it's an incredibly difficult effort to make. It's certainly a difficult one to watch from a distance. Thank you for fighting so hard, my friend. <3 Jj

not4myself said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nL8ech_cMDk

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